Is it Finite or are we talking Infinity?

Remember the 20th of October

2011-10-20T00:05:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow you have a chance to do something special. You have the chance to make this day something you will never forget, something you can share with your kids, your grand kids... It might be the topic at a party that everyone gathers around to hear and says, "Really, that is so incredible, good for you."

It sounds great doesn't it? After all, we all really do enjoy the good news much more than the bad news. When we think about the important days in our lives, do you count more famous days, or infamous days? If it's heavy on the latter might I suggest you get busy on changing that, and I will also add, you do not have a moment to spare. The 20th of October gives you the chance to do something absolutely incredible.

Now that I have your attention, here are the details:
Make it wonderful. You decide how.
Yell as loud as you can in the middle of the mall you are HAPPY TO BE ALIVE
Make eye contact with EVERY SINGLE PERSON you interact with today and wish them a wonderful day... FOR THEM TO MAKE IT A WONDERFUL DAY
Tell the person you have had a secret crush on for years that you LOVE THEM, and you can't wait a moment more to tell them
CALL every single person who has touched you in some wonderful way in your life and let them know you still remember that moment or moments - you will make their day and in return they will remember that day.

Sure, maybe you won't exactly remember the specific day 5 years from now, but you will likely remember what the weather was like, the song that playing on the radio right before you *did* whatever it is you decide to do, and I promise you, when you are having a bad day, you will remember how wonderful, scared, and energized you were when you did it.

Don't miss this opportunity to make October 20th exceptional.

2011 already

2011-02-07T18:29:00.002-05:00

Hello all! I know it has been months since you have seen or heard from me. I'm still here, just consumed with other things of late. You are like that old friend that you just don't get to see as much of as you did once upon a time but still have every desire to keep around. About the time you think you will pick up the phone and make that call, something else pops up and you promise yourself you will do it soon.

I'm sorry old friend(s). I'm as guilty as the next. So my visit today is to share what's going on and where I think I'm headed. In July of 2010 I took a different position with my current company. It was the right time to do it, and the learning opportunity I needed. Since then, I've met some wonderful professional people, been asked to write a book on project management, gained frequent flyer status on too many airlines, let my personal life completely fall apart, become an aunt, and a started to lose sight of the people and things that matter most to me. All and all, I would say it's been a busy few months.

On the horizon I have the professional opportunity of a lifetime almost within my reach. I almost fear to say it out loud, as it seems to good to be true. Along this same line, this opportunity would take back to Pennsylvania and take some of worry off of my mind that has been consuming me with my father and mother. It's strange how therapeutic my visit to Pa was last year. I know there are many things about my family I cannot change, and in general they can do little to shape the person I have become but there are so many things I can do to fine tune the relationships that have been in place for so many years.

My heart really wants to be in Arizona right now, for reasons I cannot not logically explain. However, it would appear it's not my time for that just yet. So in the meantime I will do everything I can to see more of Janeal and plan for my future down there whenver that may be...

As I look to going home, I have also found my daughters embracing this decision as I never could have imagined. They are looking forward to it but if you ask them why, they will say they don't know why... possibly another sign this is just the way it is suppose to be.

So, I will keep you posted old friend. Hope you are surviving the winter.

Time Heals

2010-08-09T19:45:00.004-04:00

My High School Reunion is coming up. I'm actually looking forward to it. I went to school in a very small town in North-eastern Pennsylvania. I actually changes schools my senior year and graduated with a group of people I really didn't know all that well. The reunion I speak of here, is the school I grew up with but did not graduate from.

I'm not going to tell you I loved HS. I didn't....I actually missed so much school that I was threatened a few times by the principle that they were going to hold me back. Not to mention I had detention pretty much everyday I did attend school because of missing so much school. Academically I did fine; A/B student. Not really motivated, but not struggling either.

Socially I was somewhere in the middle - if you read my first blog, I think it pretty much sums it up. Just like most of the teenage population (then and today )I struggled with fitting it, knowing who I was, and what the world was all about. As time goes on I think we become more comfortable with it, but it may be safe to say we all have those times in our life when we feel like we are in HS all over again.

A couple of weeks back, the coordinator of the reunion sent a note to everyone on Facebook. It was a standard, we are having a reunion party. The surprising part came when a girl from my class that was someone on the "outskirts" replied to the invite saying, "Why would I come when nobody ever made me feel welcome when I was there". I read it, and I knew she was right, but it also made me so very sad. That something so long again (20 years) still has such a strong impact on how she feels today.

I had to reply to all. My reply was something along the lines of "have a little faith. Sometimes people change and you may not know it, but there are people who would like to know how you are doing today." Nothing out of the ordinary for me I don't think. I hope that is the way I generally approach things, give it a try, you just never know.

What has really surprised me, is that today, another person from our class responded and said, he felt somewhat the same way as the girl from our class; was sure many felt that way, and that my response may have encouraged many to come forward. To that, I was very surprised and pleased. It made my day to be honest. I know, that even those little things we do can impact others.

In honor of that email, I would like to re-post my Life Explained by Automata Theory

Let me start by saying I'm a junky. I'm hooked on theory.. I don't think you would know it to look at me. I think I hide my passions pretty well. It's a trained response, Pavlov's dog had nothing on me. Besides, isn't that what junkies do after all, or at least attempt to do...fit in and still get their fix? Who's to judge?Setting the stage, can you relate:

Childhood: As a little girl in the '70s, growing up in a small rural community, the underlying message delivered by society, was grow up pretty, find a nice man to marry and have babies. Nobody explained what you should do with all the questions rattling around in your head, and how to find a way to come to some equilibrium with the need for more information and a content life. Can you really zero it all out? I can't tell you how many times I prayed to be theoretically "FAT, DUMB, and HAPPY" . Unfortunately, it just never seemed to fit into any of the formulas presented to me. Let's just keep trying, shall we?

Adolescent: Follow the norm, want what everyone else wants. The system works so don't try to fix it. I definitely wasn't the prettiest girl in school, wasn't the smartest, wasn't the most talented, I wasn't even the most unique. I was someplace in the middle; on the bell curve I was absolutely part of normal distribution. I was extremely NORMAL to the passer by. Maybe I finally found an algorithm that works. Let's continue to do stress testing. Set the goal at 100 years.

Young Adulthood: Against the recommendation of the one person, who, to date, has truly understood I will no more fit into Normal Distribution than Infinity divided by INDIVIDUAL LIFE has Finite meaning, I married and started on my path to a socially acceptable life. Two beautiful babies later, I wouldn't change that experience for anything. Algorithm still seems to hold. Everything is within statistical control. Perfect!

30 Something: Is it about starting over, or building on what we know? The older I get the less I know. One of many definitions of Automata Theory: The mathematical study of machines and their capabilities for solving problems by means of algorithms. That pretty much sums up the population to me, wouldn't you agree? At some point in each and every life, we ask ourselves is this the right path, or do we? And if we don't ask ourselves such questions, are we really any different then a machine? Just applying the rules and conditions to move us from one state of being to another.
"If the computation of an automaton reaches an accepting configuration it accepts that input. At each stage of the computation, a transition function determines the next configuration on the basis of a finite portion of the present configuration. "; David Weir 2000.

Seems pretty straight forward to me. Each of us trying to find the abstract algorithm that works for each of us, knowing that our realities intersect with others, if we so let them. As we parse it all together, it's not a one size fits all model; we try to take what we have learned from others, from our own attempts to make it "work" and we continue to move forward. For sake of society, because quitting isn't a logical option, feeling deep down this all fits into the puzzle of the universe somehow, that each of us has meaning and our time here, though maybe a blip on the calendar of Eternity is significant.

After all...one small deviation in the form of a life lived exactly as the creator intended can create a whole new outcome that we can all benefit from. So, change it up will you, time to make your own math.;- )

Where does the Time go?

2010-07-05T13:20:00.003-04:00

Happy Independence Day everyone! I realize it was yesterday, but since today is the day we get to observe it I figure I still have ok timing. For those who work in corporate America like me, we don't get many paid holidays (I get 5 total) so you absolutely want to acknowledge the ones you get. :) Hoping everyone got to do lots of their favor things, whatever that may be.

My "roomie" Carol and her husband Bill got to take in fireworks from around the Twin-cities atop a swanky high-rise in the heart of the city. Dawn and Bill welcomed a new baby girl Hana Jane on Friday and more than likely were just getting home from the hospital yesterday. My girls back in Pa more than likely got to see the local Bloomsburg natives in all their splendor at the little town park and maybe eat a hot dog or two. Haven't heard from many others just yet, since I pretty much slept soundly through the night and into early afternoon. I had a hard two days of sailing and was ready for sleep!

For my FB friends, I put "sunburn, wet, sleep deprived, and have never worked my abs so long or hard in my life, and I had an amazing time" Once I got to Carol's and unpacked all the wet stuff, I headed right for bed. I would generally feel guilty about letting the day (holiday that is) slip me by but I've been running on reserve for about a week now. The week started off with a big beneficiary transition at work so I did a 30 hour stretch. That was followed by a couple of back and fourths on the baby front with Dawn. Finally after meeting the baby, I packed and was up bright and early to head out for the racing. We didn't plan ahead on sleeping arrangement this past weekend, so I don't think I have to tell you that every place in town (reminder it is a lake town) was booked for 4th of July. We did eventually find a neighboring boat to sleep on but it was late, conversation carried on even later, and morning came very quickly. I think I averaged about 4 hours sleep each day this past week.

Adding to the spinning going on, my mother called yesterday to tell me my dad had a stroke and was in the hospital. It has been impossible for me to get the real details of what is going on and how he is doing. I've called my brother to try to get the details... no answers.... the hospital can't tell me much over the phone...my mom, well my mom is a train-wreck on so many levels that talking to her only makes situations worse. I would like to know if I should be heading back to Pa to help out, if I can be of any help, or if things are under control and there is a plan in place to get him the help he needs. Between all the other thoughts in my head I'm trying to figure out what I should do on that front.

Guess my point to that rambling is I feel I earned the right to sleep through this 4th of July. Someone out there tell me you like your sleep as much as I do, please. Today has turned out to be another rainy day. Not minding it at all, means I can't feel terrible about not being outside. Heading to the gym for some social time with Jan and my trainer if we can swing it and then I get to head back into the office grind again tomorrow. I just don't know why it is the time goes so quickly when you are keeping track of it....

Before much time (end of this week I think) the girls will be home from Pa and it of course would be nice to have a home for them to come back to. All in good time right? I know until we get that figured out Carol will have that covered for us and the girls do love her cooking. What really does make a house a home anyways?

Ok heading out to sweat off the fat hiding my awesome abs :D and wait for the comments from Asian porn crew to come rolling in. Bob, so happy when I see one come from you. Otherwise I would feel like the only purpose of my blogging is so some pimp-daddy in Japan has a shot at getting a his links distributed. I'll give them this, they sure are consistent. They clearly have more time than the we do :)

Remember the sunblock.

2010-06-28T22:51:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm staying in Minnesota... at least for another year or four. Having to come to terms with being here required me to find somethings that make me appreciate what Minnesota might have to offer me. It's very true, put out a vibe and that energy will be returned to you.

Now, you don't have to believe me, you just have to believe in your own "system" and see what that does for you. So back to me now - I have been complaining for years, "Back in PA I grew up always having a lake in my backyard or access to one to be able to sail. Here in MN, the land of 10,000+ lakes and I can't even afford to sail." Well, I said, the hell with this - if it's not meant to be, it's not. Just as I said that, I get a call from a long lost acquaintance asking me if I wanted to be part of his sailing team. No kidding. The day before the home phone was disconnect he called. It was the fates stepping me.

So, our first race in next weekend, 4th of July on Lake Pepin. We practiced yesterday and I was so caught up in getting familiar with the process and my legs about me that I totally forgot about the darn sun. Well, for those of you who have never seen me I'm a pale, blue eyed redhead. I do not get along with the sun. I love it, but alas, it does not return my love.

Today I look like Rudolph with my red nose. It hurts but worth it; I'll let you know if I still feel that way tomorrow. Obviously I could have avoided the situation - I should have planned on being out there much longer than 3 - 4 hours with the amazing wind we were having. I didn't.... so burn is what I get. I'll do better next time. Hope you are enjoying the sun safely on your end.

Rest

2010-06-23T22:42:00.002-04:00

Writing today has two purposes. First is relative to my own perspective. I've had almost one week of rest and obligation free living. What I mean by that is, a week ago Monday I sold my house after over a year on the market and much pain and suffering to me and the girls. All of our belongings have been packed up and put into storage. The girls also left last Thursday for their annual pilgrimage to the East Coast to visit our family. Not having a home or many things to tend to can be a very freeing feeling. It can also cause a person of the "type A" personality to over think what is next...

Doing what I can to remind myself I now have a clean page to write on is forcing me to look at everything in a new perspective. Yes, this is good. However, it is also difficult. I don't think many people could say at the middle of their lives (and yes I am at the middle of my life) they can easily change all of their thought processes and behaviors and try something new. I do welcome it, but I'm struggling with how to embrace it all the same. Rest is what my soul needs right now. Thank goodness I have Carol (and Bill) to help make that happen. I can honestly say, I have felt more loved and a sense of family in the last two weeks than I have since my grandmother passed away 14 years ago.

The other Rest I speak of is as an onlooker. Someone very dear to me is struggling with sleep issues. I wish it was as easy as taking a pill so my friend's body could get the rest it needs but I know it's something much more than meets the eye. When I look very closely I can see the pain (the lack of rest) and it causes me pain that I am helpless to do anything about it. There is so much truth in the saying the eyes are the windows to the soul.

Once upon a time I used to pray to have the insight to better understand others. I'm not sure when it happened, but looking upon the face of my loved one, I know I understand so much better than I prayed for what is going on that the rest of the world doesn't see.

As my day draws to an end, I look forward to sleep, and another day ahead of me. I also can't wait to see how many Asian porn comments I have to reject on this posting, but that too gives me a topic of conversation for another day.

Rest well my friends.

How to motivate a teen

2010-05-06T18:06:00.002-04:00

To all you parents out there who want to get your teen off the sofa or away from the computer for longer than a bathroom break or run to the Super America I think I have found a solution.
The great American yard sale, tag sale, garage sale, or rummage sale depending on what part of the country you live in.

My point is, you get to kill two birds with one stone the way I see it. Lighten the load, clean out the closets and have your kid actual do something constructive with their extra time.

So we are getting ready to move. After 8 years in the same house we have acquired quite a bit of "stuff". To make matters worse, we are not sure if our next move is going to be be down the street or to another state so we are really trying be as lean as possible. When I started looking around at the amount of stuff we needed to pack up I started to feel a little overwhelmed. So I said, I'll just get a dumpster and toss it. My daughter quickly spoke up and said, "No wait, why can't we just sell it?"
This is how the conversation then developed:

me: "Great, have at it, but don't expect me to help and don't think I'm going to let this linger for weeks. We have exactly 4 weeks before closing so you have 2 to figure it out"

eager teen: "Well, does that mean any of the money I make from it I get to keep?"

me: "Absolutely, as long as you don't ask me for money to get you supplies and you don't create more mess in the process you can keep it all"

really eager teen: "So could I do it this weekend? What do I need to do to get ready for it?"

me: "This weekend would be a bit aggressive unless you really think you can work on it every night and get a plan in place by Wednesday, along with ads in the paper and craigslist. Don't forget you are going to need some help and I would target a Thursday morning through Saturday if I were you. You know this also means you have to clean the garage... I'm not helping you with that either"

concerned but money hungry teen: "ok, if you tell me what to do I'll do it. I can get help. Really I can keep ALL of the money I make?"

me: "All yours. Get to it"

I haven't seem much of her since Sunday when we had that conversation. I know that we have most of the little things in the house packed and it's actually starting to look like we are moving...

I'm not seeing a down side to any of this.

Are you out there?

2010-04-21T01:18:00.002-04:00

Today was a day filled with words, signs and questions all around the same subject. Makes me wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something and I'm too thick to hear it or I need to pay better attention to who it is I'm talking to in line at the grocery stop.

So I'm wondering, do we only have one true romantic soul mate or are there a few souls floating around out there that we are perfect fits for - kinda like a Ford Mustang Boss 429 - Hemi .... it's rare, but you can still find one or two out there if you really look and when you do, just from looking you know it's something special.

I don't know that anyone but me can really answer that question, but I would like to put it out there, just in-case the right one is reading this.... I'm here, and I'm still looking for you, can you please hurry it up and get to me already. How much longer are you going to make me wait? I mean seriously, do you know how many frogs I have kissed? I think a couple of pigs and squirrels too....

Can you please come and love me the way I need to be loved, without me having to explain to you what that feels like. Let me know that even if we don't have alot of time to spend together in this life, we will make the most of the time we have and it will fill a lifetime of lonely moments and sleepless nights?

Oh, BTW, can you also please find a way to love it in Arizona as that is where I would really like to be at this time.

Thanks for listening. Let me know if you need the address so you don't get lost. I'll leave the light on so you don't trip on the step.

Post or Porn

2010-04-07T16:06:00.002-04:00

To Bob, Beth, Em, JB, Bill and others who read and comment to let me know you are out there listening - thanks.

To the Asain Porn crew - find a new blog to ............ and link to your junk.

The family is vacationing in Arizona this week and doing some house hunting. It is absolutely beautiful here and we are all hoping we can make this happen very soon.

No worries Bob, I'm not depressed in the least. As a matter of fact I have been so busy enjoying myself and getting me back in shape that I have had little time to write.

Will post soon.

Rote

2010-01-19T18:59:00.002-05:00

In the last 48 hours I have watched the Count of Monte Cristo 3 times. If I was a proficient reader, I would have done that several times but I am not and I'm trying to focus on strengths, not weaknesses (and I have been a little under the weather too).

Seems lately I'm looking for messages or signs in the happenings of every day life that say I'm learning what I need to be learning at the right pace and with the right people. It all seems extremely repetitive without much deeper meaning - rote. I'm very familiar with this style of learning in the physical world as my mastery of mathematical methods was dependant on it.

Of course the hard part of embracing the value of this basis/fundamental lifestyle is managing the desire for activity, excitement, and change. I do take some comfort in knowing there are brilliant people in my life that share this perspective. (Yes I'm talking about that conversation earlier today Beth)

It's funny how excitement and change are generally not welcome visitors to life once we reach a certain age or sometimes position in life. Most of us seem to become comfortable in our complacency. Nonetheless, when we are on the other side of some life altering experience we wiser students because of it. It's really a no win situation - stay where you are with what you know or try sometime new and fumble through what may come?

So as I get ready to hit play for the 4th time, to rest my mind and snuggle into my big comfy bed, I'll leave you with this parting questions - how do you find meaning in the everyday or do you ? Are you motivates to step into change for sake of educating your spirit? How do you balance the two?

Good or Better?

2010-01-08T17:27:00.005-05:00

Does it seem like you can have something good - maybe even really good, or great when it stands on it's own and you might just never really put much thought into measuring how that "something" or "someone" makes you feel.

It's there, you like it, and you don't need to think a single thing more about it.

But then comes the comparison. Sometimes you measure that good thing against some other thing and all of a sudden how does it measure up?

Is it still good? Is there something better? Do you value it more or less now that you have decided to measure it?

Either way, does it really matter?

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness"

Simple pleasures

2010-01-02T19:10:00.002-05:00

Today, the girls, Kevin and I went to the Minneapolis Institute of Art to see the french "masterpieces" that are on display. It was an all around great day. Most enjoyable part of the day was the fact that it everyone was going at the same pace, nobody needed to be entertained and when it was time to go, on the way home we talked about random details of the day that seemed to weave into the most spectacular mental image that no masterpiece from the Louvre could equal in beauty.

What The….

2009-12-02T18:47:00.001-05:00

I wish I could come up with something clever to say whenever I’m having one of those moments. My coworker Heidi says, “What The” and just stops it there. I think she can get away with it because she just has one of those adorable infectious smiles…ALL OF THE TIME. If you know me at all, you know that is NOT me. My smile is more of a “ok, shut up now” or “you really have no idea what I’m thinking” sort of thing…
Since my 18 month engagement (and by engagement I’m talking about work and not my personal life) just ended my schedule has completely changed. I went from work 70+ hours a week, to working 40 and having time to join a gym, starting grad school (again), go to dinner with friends, tend to parental duties and reading books for leisure. It’s been really nice but also difficult. Change is never easy for anyone. I don’t care who you are…and if you are reading this says “oh that’s not true” just shut up, you are full of crap.
I would like to think I do not need to measure my worth by what a earn for a living, how good I look in skinny jeans, or how many dinner parties I get invited to but I know I’m not quite as socially retarded as all of that…. I do care….a little…
Lately I have just had so many of those moments when I want to just express that something is not quite the way I want it but don’t have the right words to fit the occasion. Next problem is, if I did have the words to fit the occasion I probably couldn’t say them because THAT social educate rule has not yet been obliterated by reality TV. If it was having my boob falling out of my shirt or showing off my muffin top that would be acceptable but cursing is still a No No. So what’s a girl to do? I think I’m going to go look up some cute sounding Eskimo phase for “Go Play with your poopy” or “Your butt and your face are in the wrong positions” and use those…sure that will make me feel better.

Naps

2009-10-06T19:12:00.002-04:00

Today I want to pay homage to Naps. Why? Because I have the flu...And also because even though I have the flu does not mean I get a day off of work.

I remember the days when I used to look forward to a little stomach bug so I could sleep all day and take a bit of a mental break from all the crazy people too.... I think those days are gone for me.

Today I took 2 naps between all of my calls. Though they were not long and I really could have used a little more before the 8pm - 11pm call, I'm going take the perspective that better a quicky than none at all. That applies on many fronts.

The Brass Ring

2009-09-26T01:54:00.004-04:00

Do you remember the days of the marry-go-rounds with the brass rings? You know, if you catch it you get a free ride. A summer amusement park I went to growing up had one of those. Seems you seldom saw the brass ring but that never stopped you from trying for it.

Tonight has turned into one of those nights where I just can't shut my head off. After I had my little blood clot incident, my family doctor gave me some meds to help me sleep and that has been pretty much doing the trick. Only problem with that is I really don't like not having my wits about me....as it may go anyways.

So my dilemma today - a little bit of everything. I took the day off of work, mostly because I have to work the rest of the weekend so I really wanted a little down time. Other part of it was to catch up on some personal needs that seem to fall to the bottom of the priority list with being a single working mom, hell bent to support her cancer cause and be a real friend to the people in my life.

As it turned out, Aspen was not feeling well at all today and stayed home so I did absolutely nothing and slept most of the day just snuggling her and tending to her needs. I guess it was exactly what I needed to do. Which brings me to the point of my writing today...what is that keeps us driving forward and will I ever be completely happy?

I see some people who are just content....they get to some place in their life and they say, "yeah I like it here" I get a little jealous of them sometimes. Why am I not wired like that?

Of all of the opportunities I have had in my life to let someone take care of me, or to settle for the safe road, why does that never seem to interest me? As if I always keep the target just so far from my own reach. Here I am on a Friday night, at 1am, Aspen playing the piano (unfortunately I think she is wired the same way as me) and Autumn going through her closet looking for the perfect something that undoubtedly we will only be able to find at the Eden Prairie mall tomorrow :)

I got a message from someone today from my past. It completely came out of the blue and I wasn't quite sure how to react to it. A bittersweet feeling came over me. Without going into too many details, I will say that it ended badly 10 years ago and left several causalities in it's aftermath both for both of us. So the rational me said, well here you go, this is a chance to make amends for the deeds of the past. Time heals all wounds, right? So I played out a number of scenarios in my head. Beyond the obvious I asked myself what did I learn from that experience that I don't want to repeat.

Here is the kicker, I don't think I've learned anything. Taking assessment of where I am today and the actions that lead me to the bad ending of that friendship I think I'm doing it again just a different stage and a few different actors. I have been so wrapped up in the momentary highs of being with someone who adores me, having my daughters turn into young women over night and the adrenaline of non-stop work that I have not been looking ahead at where is all of this going.

So I'm sitting her tonight asking myself that question. What REALLY, is next? I'm hoping there are others out there who suffer from the same affliction of never completeness and can temporarily comfort me by saying, I'm not alone and it will be ok. It's days like today I think I must be so caught up in just playing the game that I don't give thought to why am I even playing?
It's like that merry-go-round ride. Without having the ring to grab each time I went round, I don't think I would have taken the ride... I never thought it was all that much fun really. Somehow though, I sold myself on the idea that it would be so great to win a free ride, and I would be getting something I don't have today. After each ride was over I would just do it again.

Would I have had my fill if the ring I had grabbed was the brass one? Or would I have just convinced myself I needed to do it again? Maybe I'm still reaching for it.

celebrations

2009-09-13T09:05:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was my birthday. I celebrated 38 years. According the call from my mother, it was sometime around 11pm, which would explain why I'm a night owl right?
There were many invitations to celebrate but the one that was most appealing was the one I sold myself on.

I spent a quiet day sleeping in, eating chocolate/peanutbutter pie and ignoring all of the phone calls. It was a beautiful thing. :) The last year has been quickly flying by, work consuming just about every waking hour, and if not work I feel the time with the tasks of keeping the girls on a tight schedule or keeping up with the house to try to get it sold so I can begin to start a new chapter of my life.

I have finally decided it is time to go back to school and finish what I have been talking about for the past 10 years. No, it's not exactly the PHD in mathmatics I thought for so long would be the feather in my cap. Instead, I will persue the "golden" MBA and move in the direction of healthcare management. So I will prepare myself over the next 2 months to wrap up the largest program my company has every undertaken, get back into the mode of learning with focus, and doing my best to say goodbye to the linger elements of cancer impacts that have been following me for 3 years.

Reflecting on another year past, and looking at the one in front of me, I am very happy with where I am and the opportunities I have before me. Time with my sister, watching my girls transform into beautiful young women, being a part of the journey of a friend from many lifetimes, falling in love again, a renewed sense of perpue through Cancer Legal Line.... so many things.

In front of me, opportunties to take a new path, be a better friend to the amazing people that are a part of my life, lead by example, determine how I want to love and not how society says I should, and be a shoulder to cry on by people who may be going through the things I went through.

If it is another year until I get a day like yesterday, I will do my best to remember it and look forward to the chance to slack off a litlte and reflect on all the celebrations I have been a part of along the way.

Warning Labels

2009-07-20T19:50:00.002-04:00

Do we just see in people what we want to see? If people were like products and had warning labels would we be less likely to want to collect them?
Like a pack of cigarettes, "Warning may be hazardous to your health"

Is that enough to get someone to pass up the pretty person with the beautiful blue eyes... knowing you want them to behave a certain way doesn't make it so.

Maybe you just go the straight and narrow road, where you can see everything coming your way. That is unless the warning sign says "Slippery when wet"

2009-06-23T00:16:00.003-04:00

Sunny days. Too few of them here in the mid-west. Today it was bright, humid and got down right toasty. I loved every minute of it.

It was so silly to walk into TGIFriday's and hear someone complaining about how hot it was outside.... I just thought to myself, we get 2 months of warm weather and 10 of winter....

I guess without too much analysis, one might think I am the odd person out in this situation.

Like Riding A Bike

2009-06-18T00:11:00.002-04:00

How come anytime someone thinks something should be easy to remember they will say, you know it's just like riding a bike.

Let me tell you - I forget stuff like that. It very well could be true I am from the lower half of the human gene pool but my ego would prefer not to explore that possibility.

Tonight I went for a motorcycle ride and let me tell you I was very much outside of my comfort zone. I have my license, and used to ride regularly. However, as life goes, responsibilities of kids, lessons, school and work goes I gave up that past time along with the bike.

Recently, Pat brought me Patty's old bike. Think it was for a couple of reasons, he wanted me to have a memento of Patty that I could Cherish, he knew Patty and I were talking about getting back out there once she was physically going to be able to again, and the only hobbies I seem to have these days are reading technical journals on fiber optic quality of wavefront corrections and Juan Valdez.

So, as I am getting my legs back under me, I've just ventured around town. I'm disappointed that people are not more understanding of a amateur abilities but I am doing my best to shake it off and just focus on my riding and the road.

The one thing I know I am gaining by all of this is my ability to overcome my insecurities and enjoy a little more of life than I am doing today. Now before any of my friends reading this tell me to be careful or take a safety class, let me tell you I intend to do both.

Why is it when we are young (and now I'm thinking little like elementary school age) we are not afraid to try or face anything. It is as we get older and build up all of these reasons to just settle for what we know and find a comfortable corner to sit in. If we dig back far enough, we should be able to pull out those memories of riding a bike, and the fear/thrill we had the first time we did it on our own.

There are alot of old people with young souls out there, and there are lots of bikes to be ridden.

We are all in this together alone

2009-05-21T00:19:00.002-04:00

No matter how much we all want to believe we are the only one's experiencing something - whether it be a beautiful moment of bliss or something so terrible we can't even find the words to describe the pain, we are not alone in those emotions.

Though two experiences cannot be identical as no two people are identical does not mean the love or pain the one person feels is greater or less signifcant than that of another.

What's more, experience of one impacts so many around them. So, as alone as each of us may be in a moment, we are all experiencing it together.

April showers

2009-04-26T20:04:00.002-04:00

It has been a while since I have written. Time continues to move forward, so without carving out the time to do it, it would easily be next year and I would remember little about the days in between.

Sunday evening, quiet. Aspen & Autumn actually spent the weekend with their father giving me some time to catch up on personal needs and ponder the universe. We celebrated Autumn's birthday on Friday. As far as teen years can go, I'm just hoping for the best. Sorta like spring - you know the rain is needed, but if you could have your way the showers would be well spaced and not too violent. It would still provide beautiful flowers in May but save on the clean up in April.

Many things have changed this year, most importantly is my perspective about the future. I'm finding a way to make peace with the things in my life (past and present) I cannot change, and do my best to let the people in my life that I love know I do.

I spent some time with my sister earlier this month and though it would not be anything best selling books are made of, for me, it is the foundation of a solid classic I will reference for many years to come.

JB comes to Mpls. tomorrow for work and thankfully I will get some time to talk to her in person. She reminds me of all that is good in the world.

People, like the weather, are ever changing and need to have their rainy days to wash that which is no longer needed and rejuvenate that soul. Spring holds many wonders. Thank goodness for April showers.

Now Eye See

2009-02-23T21:17:00.003-05:00

My dog Anna gets Eye Boogies everyday. We have a routine in the morning. This is how it goes
5:50 am - Anna stands by my bed waiting for me to make movement indicating I'm ready to let her out
6:00 am - Alarm goes off, so Anna is now running back and forth between my bedroom and the back door waiting to be let out
6:15 am - Anna comes in and races down stairs to eat breakfast
6:30 am - Anna is standing by the bathroom door waiting for me to clean the boogies out of her eyes
6:40 am - on a nice day walk Anna out to her kennel run and leave for a day at the office

Today I tried to leave the house without cleaning her eyes. I called to her, so I could walk her out to the kennel. She wouldn't move. With a stern voice I said, "Anna, let's go...NOW"
and she would not budge.
As soon as I walked up the steps to get her, she walked in the bathroom and stared at the sink.

Now I know she is just used to the routine, but it made me think.

Don't we all just want someone to wipe our boogies away?

Say What?

2009-02-15T00:14:00.002-05:00

Swearing is a good thing.
Say the word "GOOF" really loud and with some emphasis.
Now say "SHIT" really loud and with some emphasis.

You know why it feels better when you say SHIT?
Because you are not suppose say it, or enjoy saying it.

So go ahead, dick, fuck, bitch, shit away and enjoy how it makes you feel.

bad behavior

2009-02-10T21:40:00.002-05:00

- Squeaky wheel gets the oil
- Well behaved women rarely make history
- Creativity involves breaking out of established patterns in order to look at things in a different way
- If at first you don't succeed, try, try again
- Success always occurs in private and failure in full public view

It's not the days but the moments

2009-02-08T23:21:00.002-05:00

Roiling into the weekend, I had alot on my mind. A list of things I didn't get done at the office, a list of things I needed to get done at home, upcoming obligations that I haven't given the appropriate time to, and thoughts of an unkind note someone left on my car in the parking lot as I left work late thursday night.

Saturday the girls and I were running our regular errands - dropping off the dry cleaning, meds from the vets, picking up watches from the jeweler, weekly trip to Barnes & Noble....

We had a number of great finds at the book store this week. Not really too surprising since if I have the time to actually enjoy myself and not be rushed there are a great deal of things I could lose myself in and be completely happy.

Reflecting on it, I was reminded that I sometimes take myself to serious. Work has been just non-stop and very stressful the last couple of months. Wish I could say that there is relief in sight but I know that is a good year away. It was just a few short years ago, on a cold winter day, when I was thinking about what life would be like if I just picked up and moved the girls and I someplace with just the clothes on our back and start fresh. I had absolutely nothing to lose and life hinged on the hope of a tomorrow. It was a simple plan and it didn't have to be complicated.

Though it hasn't been long since that day, it seems like a day in someone Else's life. Really impossible to think about it when a person thinks about all the responsibility we put into our lives. Sensibility tells me, I need to take care of business and do what I must to continue to support the American dream. Respectable career, tidy home, stable upbringing for children, and steadfast friends for though have been there for me. There is another emotion of desire which sometimes calls just as loud telling me to live for the moment, enjoy the pleasures of now and throw caution to the wind. I think of Patty and I can rationalize that to the most extreme ends.

I can't just do the things I want to do, knowing very well, tomorrow will come and whether I'm given the opportunity to be a part of it or not, it will go on and it will impact those within my six degrees of separation.

Something has been missing lately, and I have been trying to put my finger on what that is.... I think I just need to take more moments to find interesting subjects in the book store I know nothing about and pull it from the shelf. I need to take time to thank the woman who empties my waste can at my desk each night by name. I don't know if she thinks the same thoughts I do, but I know the weight of the world in her hands is just as great as mine.

It's the end of another day and it doesn't really feel any more spectacular than yesterday was; however I am blessed to remember each day is a gift for anyone who dares to experience it and nothing really is so important that I can't stop and make the moment count.

Should women back a woman candidate?

2009-01-19T22:38:00.002-05:00

Was a question on the local Minneapolis Channel 9 News tonight....
How stupid of a question.
Now for those of you out there that read this and jump to the conclusion that you know how I understood that question to read - don't be so sure.
Like reading:
woman without her man is nothing
How do you read it?
Woman without her man, is nothing. OR
Woman, without her, man is nothing.

Why can't I just back a qualified candidate? We really haven't come very far have we?

Nine Below

2009-01-14T22:01:00.002-05:00

Temperatue.... Before wind chill or that would make it -40
Why do I live here? Oh wait, I remember, house, kids, job, ex-husband
You know you people who live in Scottsdale, St. Pete, even Utah or St. Louis for that matter - it's mean to point it out that it's not cold there - so don't do it.
Something positive....
Nope, I got nothing.

Bill don't you look for the silver lining - because you know mercury freezes at -39 degrees fahrenheit....

careful what you wish for...

2009-01-10T01:06:00.003-05:00

I have always wanted boobs. That's right, you are reading this correctly, I have always wanted boobs. I'll explain

When I was a teen, I was very muscular. Not small by any means, somewhat of an amazon in training. 5'9", 120 pounds and broad shoulders. I could kick the ass of most any man my size had I been given the opportunity. However, I was as flat as North Dakota above the belt.

Even in my 20's after having two children they were a bit less than desirable. I had a number of friends that have had a little assistance in attaining the perfect set but could never bring myself to the point of doing it. Part of it was the cost, and part was because then I would have to keep the rest of my body in good shape just to show them off.

However, lately I'm finding my boobs are bigger than I can really explain. Having to actually change the clothes I wear and put the wonder bras away. Which is a wonder in and of itself. I got my wish without surgery.

Here's the kicker....I have the love handles right above my hips, and the muffin top to go with them. All I can say to that is, careful what you wish for....

IGS

2008-12-24T01:54:00.003-05:00

Whoever said you can't have everything you want out of life was wrong... they must have suffered from Immediate Gratification Syndrome.

I truly believe you can have everything you want out of life. The thing to remember is, chances of it all happening at the same time might be out of the question.

Inspired by the fabulous five

2008-12-17T00:17:00.002-05:00

JB wrote another blog to make me cry. Nothing new there, she does it all the time... However, it is the "meaning" behind the words she writes that touches me the most. I know her 5 - and not all in the flesh, but through her sharing with me, and her love of them.

While reading it, it made me think, can I pick out those people in my life? Maybe not quite as easily, I have to dig down deep to find some of it. I'm not good at needing others. Decided long ago that "needing" didn't work well for me. All the same, a few have gotten through...
- I don't talk to Sarah anymore, no particular reason, just seemed to be the end of that season and if we came across one another we would converse as if it was just yesterday we talked and then go our own way. However, she alone taught me how to be a friend. She refused to walk away from the challenge.
- Patty didn't care how smart I was, or how together I looked to the world, she just expected me to be genuine and would tolerate nothing less. I will miss her for the rest of my life.
- When I talk to Janeal, or she is in the room with me, a calm, content comes over me I only recall experiencing when my grandmother would hug me. She understands what drives me to be me more than even I do. She is my compass.
- Sue is my guardian angel. She pulled me back from a dark place I could have never survived. Nothing she could ever do would make me see her in any other light.
- Two people could not be more different than Dawn and myself. How our friendship ever developed will remain a great mystery. She shows little to the outside world but is a person of conviction. She does not judge me when I make mistakes, and knows about many of them.

Cold hands warm heart

2008-12-16T23:55:00.002-05:00

My entire life (or as long back as I can remember someone mentioning it to me) I have had cold hands. I mention it today, because it is -20 degrees and it makes sense that I'm struggling to get the circulation in my fingers going.

All the same, doesn't seem to matter the weather, or if I'm doing a high impact work out, or just snuggled up under warm blankets they are cold.

So happy for cold hands. Never really understood what it meant, and I don't know a single person who has given me a meaning that makes any sense what so-ever. Most people don't question it, they just smile and say, oh that is so nice. Me I have to find meaning in pretty much everything.

To me it means - people care enough to reach out to me to hold my cold, pasty hands. And more importantly, when they don't let go, I am warmed to my very soul. In that small little gesture, it touches my heart more than my face, or hands could ever express.

Practice makes something close to perfect

2008-11-17T22:08:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is another day. If today wasn't a good one, try again tomorrow. Take the ground hog day approach.

Build on the stuff you want to repeat, if you can and toss the stuff that didn't work out so well away.

If it turns out the stuff you liked still resulted in a day you would prefer not to repeat just try something completely different, what do you have to lose?

Each day is a blessing by itself. The only wasted day is the one when we didn't feel alive. Happy, sad, lonely, complete bliss, hungry, content, and a number of other emotions in between....understanding them all is like expanding your vocabulary - it makes it that much easier to coverse with a broader group of people.

Happy ground hog day.

brrrr

2008-11-07T22:00:00.002-05:00

The very best thing I can remark on about the first below 30 degree night of a new fall/winter is putting on my fluffy bedroom slippers, wrapping a warm blanket around myself, turning off all the lights, lighting all the candles in my fireplace and anywhere else I can find home in the place, and putting my mp3 player on shuffle so I can be a little surprised.

Patty

2008-10-15T23:14:00.003-04:00

I don't believe there is ever a right time to say goodbye to someone you love though it's something we all must do at some point... Patty, I know the time has come for us to part for a while, and even though I'm not ready for it, I will try.

I promise you I will keep your spirit alive in every moment I spend with your daughter, and I will make sure she knows every single silly moment we have shared together.

Thank you for going out of your way to be my friend when I made it so difficult. I'm not sure why I was so fortunate to have you pick me, but I know you changed me forever, and a million thank yous would never be enough.

Thanks for all of the late night homework while Aspen ran around without a diaper, and for sitting with me for hours, and days on end in the hospital when we fought to keep Autumn with us here on earth. You kept telling me, it's not her time.

Thanks for those 4 hour drives, never knowing if you (or me for that matter) would have a place to sleep and where I would call home. How could I have managed to keep my faith in God during that year Tom and I divorced if you hadn't continued to tell me, You can do this, it's the right time to make this change.

Thanks for letting me be there for you. Do you know, during the times when I couldn't see that I made an ounce of difference in anyone Else's life, you would lean on me and tell me how much you needed me. In those very moments, you gave me reason to continue to push forward. I always needed you more than you needed me, you just didn't know it.

Thank you for all those debates when we would argue till early in the morning because we just wouldn't quit until each of us could see the other person's side, or we were just too tired to give a crap anymore.

Last weekend when I saw you, you were so happy. I got to see that smile on your face that has been missing for a little while. The changes going on in your life gave you hope for you, and for how it would change the future you, Pat and Shawna. I'm so glad I got to tell you I love you one more time and make you hug me, even though I know you hate those displays of affection.

Patty, I'm not going to tell you I won't shed a few more tears about our parting before I can come to terms with you leaving here so soon. I will say goodbye though, and will keep the faith as you did, that there is purpose in every thread god weaves for us. I will do my best to keep a strong front for your family, as you did, and will keep you close to me in every cow trinket I see, every trip to Ikea, and everytime someone kicks my butt in scrabble. I love you very much my dear, wonderful friend. Goodbye.

Session 37

2008-09-19T21:18:00.002-04:00

In this years series premier, we have exotic travels, passionate exchanges, and wild parties. You won't want to miss a moment.
Celebrating her 37 year, Jennifer leaves work early for a secret rendezvous with her pillow and a child free nap before they get home. Of course, as fate would have it, she gets caught in a hall way conversation about how we are going to meet the 5 second SLA if the external system we are calling to is down. She makes in home just in time to get a phone call from her mother wanted to send her flowers she can plant before the frost sets in. So much for a nap.

The excitement builds as she prepares for a quick and dirty trip to St. Louis to have more discussions about the hallway SLA discussion. The frequent flier miles will be greatly appreciated so long as NWA will continue to honor them a year from now.

Returning to the comfort of the place she currently calls home, she prepares herself for the drama that awaits inside. After being gone for what seems like an eternity when you measure it in terms of cleaning up after teen age daughters and having your ex-husband frequent your house, you can almost write the next scene yourself.

The dialogue between the teen daughters focused on hating their new school, and how studies shouldn't have to be this hard. Need to find a way to write into this part of the show how to give them a future look at how hard it is when they are done with school and have to put even more effort forth to earn a living.

Finally, our show concludes with a scene of 4 teen boys and 3 teen girls celebrating a birthday party as our leading star does her best to remember she too was once that age and it is normal for teens to be loud, obnoxious, and to think their parents are completely square. The scene fades out as she turns up the volume on her headphones, finishes writing in her online blog and wishes that having a glass of wine wouldn't give her a splitting headache.

Stay tuned for next week when there are more exciting travels to St. Louis, we learn how the hired help to stay with the girls is going to work out, and whether our star decides whether she will learn to just become comfortable with having a messy house or spends money she really shouldn't just to have some resemblance of order.

I know it doesn't sound like much of story people would want to watch on tv, but then again maybe they would. After all, I know that when I have days, weeks, sometimes months of just non-stop responsiblity and feeling like you always fall slightly short, I find comfort in knowing there are other people out there, just like me going through it.

I find comfort in the small things I do have throughout the day that remind me my efforts are notices by someone, the friend who remembers my birthday, the email just to say hi, I'm still thinking of you, filling up the m&m bowl at my desk because others have notices I try to think of others. Not quite an episode of Law & Order, CSI:Miami, or even American Idol for that matter but I get the lead role so I'll take it.

H-E-L-L-O

2008-08-21T23:36:00.002-04:00

Hey, it's been a while. Just been doing my thing and at the end of the day my thing doesn't seem to leave me much time to talk about that thing I've been doing. :)
So, for the few friends that come out and check just to see if I'm still "kickin" sorry I've neglectful.

The new job has been going great. It keeps me busy, and not only busy but striving to push myself to the next level. Don't get me wrong, I'm exhausted at the end of the day but I like it. Buddy Ray H. said he was going to write this down, it was the first time in years I have "liked" what I was doing. Girls have been understanding about the new changes, but I think in a way, they like having the extra responsibility I have been asking of them. We are all growing. They start a new school in about a week, and both are looking forward to the academic challenges that are ahead of them.

I find myself talking less and listening more...it was bound to happen eventually.

Go check out Bob's Ingishts - he has a way of capturing so much in just a few lines. Always good reading.

Time Alone, blood sucking one or the other

2008-07-20T01:18:00.004-04:00

Needed a day by myself and it was a spectacular day. Yes I gave up the opportunity for an outting to listen to some music with some friends, or something of "date", and then of course there is always the opportunity to hang out with people who have been getting on nerves for months but I can't bring myself to tell them because it's not the sort of things you say to people.

So the time alone to regenerate was a very good thing - I just need a few more days of this and I should be ready to actually be nice to people again for a while. Crazy thing is, very few people in my life actually understand that without the alone time, I can't possibly tolerate so much time around people. What does JB call me, a vampire. She is right on so many levels. Funny how someone who has known me for just a few years knows me so much better than a friend I have had here in MN since the day I moved here.

When I told that particular person yesterday, I want to be alone, she said, "I think you are depressed, maybe you can get some drugs for that" - so, luckily, vampire that I am, I had just enough reserve blood that I didn't need strike out and drain the soul right the hell out of her.

I'm starting to understand how Tom Cruise's character must have felt in Interview with a Vampire - it's hard to have to hide in your coffin all the time. Every now and again you gotta just bite someone.

Juan Valdez

2008-07-03T00:21:00.002-04:00

Thought I had kicked the "coffee" habit... You know how it goes, something about the memory of that first taste...the smell of the entire experience, the way it makes you feel deep inside. The energy you get from the endorphins it invokes....

And then of course, you know, once you take that first sip again you are back into the old habits.

Oh, what the hell, good things in small doses are, after all, not all that bad for you. If it feels that good, how can it be bad.

11:13pm

2008-06-30T00:13:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is another day. Another opportunity to decide who you want to be. I'm not just talking about how you perceive yourself, or how you react to different interactions, but truly all aspects of what you want to change.

My girlfriends hear me joke when we talk about changing our hair styles and particularly color, I say, " So many colors, so little time" but there is an air of truth in it. Funny thing is, there is pretty much always an air of truth in everything I say, although most people wouldn't get that because some of the comments are really not very nice :) (I will never be accused of being Jackie O )

Nonetheless, take a new look tomorrow and decide what you want it to be or better yet what you want out of it and get it.

There are so many things I haven't yet tried, and there is no time like now to start something new.

I look forward to hearing all about it tomorrow.

Sweet dreams.

wasting space

2008-05-29T20:17:00.001-04:00

Do you ever wonder...
When you remember some stupid piece of trivia
What are you possibly forgetting in order to make room for that stupid stuff....

Words of a Saint

2008-05-17T01:01:00.002-04:00

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Words we should all live by.

Blessings everyday, be thankful for them in the state they are in and don't reduce the appreciation.

Frog legs anyone?

2008-05-07T22:01:00.000-04:00

How to boil a frog...

Wednesday night, Autumn is having her violin lesson, then I will have my cello lesson. It’s turned out to be a beautiful day as far as Minnesota weather goes.
So I thought I would spend 30 minutes sitting in the car and write a little. Sinatra is playing in the background, “It was a very good Year” Almost fitting if one was trying to reflect on the positives of what life brings to you.

However, today I have decided to explore the emotion of disappointment. Just today thought, I will give some other emotion it’s opportunity tomorrow, no fear. On days like today, I ask myself, reflecting on my 36 years of collective experiences, do I know how to gauge the temperature of the water? Putting it another way, is the water safe to swim in or am I just an experiment in boiling a frog?

Concept is, slowly raise the temperature of the water, allowing the frog to get used to it along the way. Then, slowly but surely, you boil the frog to death, without it even knowing it. Of course, if the water was hot to begin with, it would jump out…wouldn’t you?
Today I feel like a frog. Each step of the way, there is a little discomfort, but not enough to get out of the water. Without changing something in the equation, there will be more of the same and eventually it will feel normal or one becomes numb to it all and essentially the frog is no more.
Of course it could just be the day; maybe tomorrow will have me singing praises of come sail away. Without a little rough water where would the boat go?
I’d like to think I have the ability to stand back and see the good with the bad – knowing we need both to understand each. However, today I based my decision to be “content” on the promise of a new opportunity tomorrow.
Even knowing we don’t hold the key to tomorrow, I continue to hedge that bet. So, I’ll give myself a pat on the back today and figure out how to move on tomorrow. After all, that is the beauty of frogs they are really not all that smart.

A rose by any other name

2008-05-02T22:44:00.003-04:00

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,

It's interesting in life how we choose to see things - perspective that is. So many things in life can be described in simple terms, but we have a preference to make it more complicated. Love and Marriage, Work and Careers, Compassion and Obligation, Faith and Religion, Pleasure and Intimacy, Knowledge and Education, heck even things that don't seem like they should be so complex like Eating and Meals.

I think you can tell a lot about a person by listening to them talk - Does someone say, "I'm just making something to eat" or "I'm preparing a meal" - ok maybe you don't know anyone that says the latter but you get what I'm saying don't you? Is there more rigid around a meal than just eating? I really don't think so.

Love and Marriage. Is the commitment any less significant if you are in love with someone, living with someone let's say, than if you were married to them? I really don't think you need that complicated title of husband or wife to understand what is expected of you. How to treat that person who loves you, who gives their all to you, and is willing to compromise all aspects of their lives to have you in theirs. When you take on their family issues without thinking twice, or maybe you are asked to understand things that are completely irrational to you (and the rest of the sane world) but you smile and say, ok, I will support you. Someone using the words married seems to have more significance to people than saying the person I love. SAYING I LOVE YOU TODAY IS NOT A PROMISE TO BE WITH SOMEONE FOREVER. That line applies to marriage in exactly the same way.

Work requires spending energy, building experience, it can be mental and physical. Why do we refer to some peoples effort as "work" while others have careers? "He's working as a waiter" vs. "He's starting a career in the culinary industry". Let me just ask you, which one seems to have more value? Be truthful.

The next one I think is pretty simple for all of us to relate to - When we help someone, emotionally, financially, physically whatever it is, then you are compassionate. Well, that is unless it is family, and then it is defined somehow as duty, it is expected of you. Obligation is just that isn't it? Duty. Let's get something straight, there is nothing that says you need to help another living being. If you do so, you do it because you have understanding of someones pain or suffering and you want to do something about it. Can't we just call it compassion and not have to tie a string of obligation around it?

Not sure how far down the faith and religion analogy I want to go. Faith is the core of who we are but yet, if someone is Catholic, or Protestant, or Quaker for that matter people think that makes you more grounded some how. I have met more people who are truly good and decent, grounded and stable that are not "religious" than some that trot to church every Sunday and perform their dogma but live outside of the "rules" when it suits their purpose. Sex outside of marriage for example in many established religions is not acceptable. Why is it then we still have so many shotgun marriages today? Are we back to Love and Marriage?

Pleasure is a good thing. How do you describe it? Different for everyone I think but we all want to experience it. The sensation of pleasure that emanated through your entire body. Can one have an experience of pleasure without having intimacy in that experience? It depend on your perspective doesn't it? I personally think every pleasurable experience brings me closer to understand that thing, or person. I used to think I had a problem with itimacy but the more I get to know me, I realize I'm just fine with it I just like thinking I'm detached from it. I want to keep it less complicated - my choice!

I know this now, because I have decided to learn from my collective life experiences. It's nothing you can learn in school, a formal education will not prepare you for all the stuff that happens to you on your way to a career, or marriage or becoming a truly religous person for that matter. If you need to make it all that complicated, maybe you just need to change your perspective on the topic.

After all, a rose still smells wonderful even if you call it a flower...

Time to Clean the Closet

2008-04-21T00:11:00.005-04:00

For some people, when spring rolls around, it's time to open the closet doors, grab a garbage bag to sort out what can be recycled and what needs to truly "go" and you dig in. You make room for new things and you have a wonderful sense of accomplishment if you can get it done.

Wish I could tell you which approach is the best one to make sure you have a successful cleaning session, or in some situations which one helps you get through it faster, but I cannot.

The organizer that I am, I would say, come up with a project plan. You know, how do you plan on going through it, is it front to end, logical sections (color or seasons), oldest to newest - whatever you decide. Then define you primary objectives: Make room for new stuff, have enough room that what is left is not cluttered, simplify your choices, make room for a new special someone in your life to "share" your closet, make it easier to find the things you need, update your style, incentive to shed the extra "weight" - are there more?

Don't forget to outline a solid mitigation plan, like what happens if you don't lose the extra weight, what will you wear? What happens if that dress comes back into style, I won't have it if I give it away. There is the question, I might just want to pull out that moo moo for old times sake, after all it is very comfortable.

All the planning, might take you a bit more time to get to the end goal, but as long as you are steadfast and have clearly stated your objectives you might get there. Of course your bedroom might be in chaos for a while. (Boy isn't that a loaded statement!)

I'm actually thinking I'm at a place in my life where I need to throw caution to the wind when it comes to my closet. I think I have been holding on to things that fit well for me 10 years ago but really don't make me as happy as they once did and I just haven't wanted to take a good look in the mirror and say, that just doesn't fit anymore. (remember this is an analogy and not getting rid of the red shirts hanging next to the purple ones) In spite of all the planning and defining I do, it's just not the same as taking a step back and truly analysing the problem.

If I take a close look at my closet problems, I find there are a few articles that stand out as needing alterations. Then I ask myself, is it really worth my time to fix/change them? If I do, will I like what I see? Maybe, I guess I need to at least give some of those things a try. OK, I'll put those in the keep pile with work to be done. First one starts tomorrow with a group of work friends to get my ass back in shape - no literally, my ass is the target.

What's this I see? Oh goodness, that suit is very old. I have found memories of it though. When I was just starting a new chapter, it made me feel confident on where I was going. It hasn't fit in maybe 6 years, not since Tom H. and I really called it quits. Even if it did, it isn't appropriate for where I am in my life today. It needs to go, but I keep holding on to it, because I think about the value it once had. I sabotage myself with this suit, and other articles that hold the same emotions.

Just about then, you start to think, this is going to take too long, I won't have time to get through all of it. Of course you won't if you look at the entire closet. What's wrong with just taking it one step at a time? Can't you just start with one piece at a time? This is quite rhetorical at this point. I know very well, with my addictive personally, that I have to take it one piece at a time or it will be an all or nothing effort for me.

I think it's more important for me to feel comfortable in what I'm wearing, that for me to have a large variety. I really need to get back to a place where I feel good in my own skin. Maybe I should just walk around naked all of the time? That might solve all sorts of issues with my closet. Well, then again, it seems like there have been enough people to see the emperor's new clothes, and just because they are not laughing doesn't mean it isn't happening.

This weekend I tried on a couple of new outfits. One I have tried on a time or two, but just can't seem to make my mind up about it. It has some really good qualities about it, feels comfortable, easy to move around in, could wear in most situations, and won't cost me much emotionally to commit to. The negatives are I'm just looking for the best deal, and I don't think the return policy is a very good one. At this point, I think it's pretty clearly stated, one you buy it, there is no return. The other outfit, if you will, is completely new. Someone I trust a great deal, suggested I look a little closer at it. At first glance, it might not have been something I would pick out for myself. I tried it on, and there are definitely some things I like about the fit. It is not a look I really ever thought I could pull off. Hell, I still don't know if I can. It's like a 25 year old wearing big diamonds, or your black gown to tea on Sunday. You can do either of those things, but unless you have the attitude to back up the personal choice, you will get stares, and not the good ones.

I guess it really doesn't matter how you go about cleaning out the old, as long as you do it from time to time. Sitting in my bed, looking at the closet doors, it is definitely time for me to tackle that task. I'm really looking forward to trying on some new things, and accessorizing the quality articles I do have just to polish it off.

Can someone do me a favor, and let me know when something really doesn't fit anymore? I know I have put on a little extra weight and I'm not really hiding it. I think the best thing for me right now would be to just hear it, so I can deal with it. Nobody enjoys looking at muffin tops but if you don't tell people that it is hanging out it just seems to continue to happen.

I believe tomorrow I will be wearing black. I'll just stick with the basics until I get the closet under control.

Just about the time you forget....

2008-03-20T20:57:00.002-04:00

The best thing about having the flu is when you finally start feeling better. Just about the time you wonder if you will ever be back to your normal self, and then you get up to see what you can chew on in the fridge that will not require microwaving, toasting, and isn't growing it's own family and you realize when you stand that the room is no longer spinning.

It's the little things that make the difference.

Can you guess where he lives?

2008-02-19T23:13:00.003-05:00

I remember seeing this one morning before I headed out the door to wait for the bus to school - I think I was in High School. I always thought it was funny.

Now, thinking about it a little more, I realize he must have lived in Minnesota with -40 to -50 degree weather. Where not only do your boogars freeze, but you are thankful to have boogars just to sorta block all that cold air from going straight up your nose.

I guess everything really does have a purpose...

Happy VD

2008-02-14T17:16:00.003-05:00

At least on some fronts I'm still considered young

2008-02-08T16:04:00.002-05:00

I just got my renewal notice for the Opera. They have a new group, Young Professional Group. I know there are other tickets in town that have had such groups for some time, but it's funny that they feel the need to create it for the Opera. Anyways, I'll take whatever I can get - I'm still in my 30s, even if I'm on the down side of that midpoint so I better hurry up and join while I still can. Looks like a new excuse for happy hour but my social life could use a little mingling too.

Honestly, it's the positive I needed today. Took a day off, my youngest one has been sick all week and we had to take her in to make sure it's nothing more serious than a virus. More of that fun on Monday, when I take her to my holistic physician, his specialty is intravenous nutrient which is what I used following my cancer treatment. He can do some initial diagnoses and we can go from there on recommendation or if he would like to refer her to someone else. It's nice to take the day off and just spend it with her, since I don't get to do enough of that with work, and general life obligations.

I made the mistake of reading my work email today though. It frustrated me. Why can't I just be happy with the way things are - why do I always feel the need to make things better, try to really improve things? I almost miss being a programmer. You don't have to think about the bigger problem, all you have to do is code to specs. Head down, code, fix the bugs where you find them and when you are all done, you have a true sense of success or failure.

Those days are long gone for me. I look around and see so many opportunities to improve process, and how implementing and measuring those changes impacts processes downstream. The downstream stuff is where we are trying to fix things with technology. At that point it really doesn't matter, it's garbage in, garbage out.

I don't know if I'm frustrated because I'm not in a position to make the changes that will make a difference, or because I lack the ability to influence the changes as quickly as I would like. It's a day like today I would like to sit down with David Maxwell and ask him if I'm on the right track.

Yes I know when it's all over, and I'm at the end of my time I won't be measured by how successful I was in my career but one can't help (at least one that sees the world the way I do) to think that having a career full of purpose can improve quality of life not just for myself but for those that I work with as well.

There are 168 hours in a week. 29% of that time is spent resting/sleeping. That is an average, I need at least 7 hours of sleep a night. 36% of those hours are are spent working, commuting to and from work or supporting efforts to keep current on what you do for work. Now that percentage might be much more sometimes as it usually is for me. If I was to guess, mayb e 6% of that time 9-10 hours a week are spent cooking, cleaning, and keeping up on maintenance tasks. That leaves us 29% percent of our week to do the things we love, be with the people we love (if we can), and expose ourselves to new experiences.

I don't know, maybe Tom was right about me, maybe I will never be satisfied, I will always need to improve things and want for more in my life. Guess that is just the way I am wired.

Here is something to listen to:
http://www.jimcollins.com/audio/featureA001.mp3

My point to all of this, when I was younger, I thought it's ok to feel this need to want more, to not know what I could do that would make me feel fulfilled, and how I could make a living at it. As time has gone on, I feel like I'm coming up on some line in in the sand. Some invisible line that suggests, OK, you are there, you should know at this point in your life how you add value and feel confident in it. Age might bring wisdom, but it doesn't seem to bring confidence that you know you are on the right track. I don't know what that time table looks like for me.

So I will take comfort in knowing that at least in some settings I'm still considered young, so I must still have time to figure it out. Our youngest president was Theodore Roosevelt at the age of 42. Of course he was married to an extrodinary individual, which supports the ideas that those of like values attract their own. Dr. Maslow felt she had reached self-actualization, a definition I don't even think man people understand today. If I use him as my baseline, I better hurry up and get my act together. On the other end of the spectrum, Ronald Reagan was the oldest president elected at the age of 69. I personally would not call him great by any means. Ab Lincoln was 52, now that I could live with...

Maybe I should find some other meauring stick for success.

I live on an island...

2008-02-07T18:18:00.000-05:00

where the sun shines all day, and the stars are always out. My friends and I sit by the ocean, watching fireflies and sipping wine. You can hear the soft song of Ella in the wind, as the waves carry a Louis inspired tune. Even when the rain visits it dances in to a happy beat and always leaves a rainbow as a thank you. The birds call to you by name to come play in the sand and leave the worries for another day. This is my home, will you share it with me?

As I think about this time of the year, somewhat trapped in my house, I think of warmer places I would rather be....

I think I could even live in a van, down by the river, as long as I had warm days and stary nights. I'm not much of a camper, but I did do a little of that this past summer with my daughters and we even sorta liked it. I guess my van isn't so bad after all. I did spend one night in my van this past summer, and it was extremely memorable.

JB has convinced me to do some more camping this summer for MoonDance Jam in July. I'm sure I will have fun, not because of the sleeping on the ground but all the old school music.

Point is, I am wishing for warmer days right now. Thank goodness the days are getting longer at least. You gotta love Minnesota though, we can expect snow right up until the beginning of May. Sorry I can't write about snow, I really don't like it much. I'll put some thought into that one and get back to you.

Karoke

2008-02-01T21:51:00.000-05:00

What am I doing on a friday night? I'm sitting at my dining room table, singing to Crystal Gayle, cleaning up emails, and sending silly text messages (offensive messages) to my friends.

I was just talking with Dawn, and was thinking about the times we go out karoke singing. Secretly I love it. I don't like being the center of attention, but I do like singing, and I really like winning.

Funny, I remember practicing for a pagneant, (singing was to be my talent) but the voice teacher told me maybe I should twearl a paton. After that, I gave up the idea of being the next Ella Fitzgerald. I stopped singing in front of people. That is until Dawn got me out for karoke. Then, when I won the first time, it was like, oh, this is sorta fun. Not to mention it pays for your drinks when you are out :)

So, feed me enough booze, point me to a mic, and I'll sing you a few bars of Don't it make my brown eyes blue....

Quotes from a Scrum Master

2008-01-30T20:27:00.000-05:00

Two quotes you need to document:

"Direct is only mean if you are stupid."

"Silence can be a Project Manager's best weapon."

Not my words but those of a very wise person. I'm going to capitalize on that intellect and retire early if I can get enough quotes out of her....

Credit given to Sergiacomi.

You Be You, and I'll Be Me

2008-01-23T18:48:00.000-05:00

This place, this page is my way of sharing with you a little bit about who I am. If you're not interested, my feelings will not be hurt, just move along.

I'm not looking for approval by putting words out here, I'm just exploring with my ability to articulate my thoughts in writing. That's the beauty of it, I am well past the point of caring what anyone thinks about my actions or whether I am going to offend someone by what I say or do when it is on my time and I involves my emotions and better yet my body. The fact that I know there are a few people out there that relate to some of the things I say, at least sometimes, gives me a sense of connection with people that I have often struggled with most of my life.

I have had my share of people looking from the outside in, judging me, feeling the need to tell me they would do something a different way, or asking me how would I feel if I was on the receiving end of some situation. Let me tell you, I have yet to meet a single person who has their shit together so much that I have ever said, "I wish I was that person". That is not something I have ever wished for, NO NEVER. Sure there are times when I have felt, I wish I had something that someone else has in their lives, for example, "I wish I had the motivation to work out everyday like Jan does and be in that kind of physical shape." However, when it comes right down to it, I don't have the motivation, and if I did, it would mean I would have to give up something else that I love doing, like working on my math equations, or doing homework with my kids, or reading books about obsessive compulsive disorders, or just simply spending time with my friends for that matter. So though there may be things about other people's lives that I envy, I would not for one second ever wish to be anyone but who I am.

So, when people imply they would behave a different way if it was them, I generally want to say, "well that is why you are you and I am me" ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL!

One of the characteristics I don't like very much about myself, which I would like to work on, is how upset I get with my friends and loved ones when they don't behave the way I would like them to - which is probably why it rubs me so much when they do it to me. I would say over the past several years, I have been doing my best to just understand where others are coming from, support who they are, and know that each choice they make helps add that much more character to who they are, and I can never possibly understand the depth of any single person and their live experiences.

I can only be fortunate enough to have them share it with me, if they trust me, if they feel I will not judge them, and if they truly want me to understand who they are on so many different levels. Really, understanding and agreeing to that brings so much more happiness than judging them ever will. The saying, when one speaks ill of me, it does not define me, but them...so true. I realize though, sometimes when people give advice, unsolicited advice that is, they don't see it is judgement, but it's really like calling a tangerine an orange - there is really not alot of difference when you get right down to it.

Don't confuse my blogs about the men that walk in and out of my life with any sort of deeper meaning of negativity or need to reflect on myself more deeply for imperfection. If it had any real value, I would name these men straight out, instead of just giving them nicknames. My stories are only my frustration talking, frustration that they men are so quick to get into my pants without every really knowing if there is any compatibility or desire to really get to know me but then trying to tell me I don't know what I want when I tell them they are not what I am looking for. I don't dislike any of them, not really, I just find humor in the fact that they think I should be accepting of them without ever really asking me, "so what is it you are looking for, do I have those qualities you want in a soul mate?" For some reason it seems if they have decided they are good enough for me, I should decide they are good enough for me. That is just totally recockulous. Do you know me? I'm pretty fucking amazing, I don't even think I deserve me.

Ok, all joking aside, this has nothing to do with sex. Nothing at all. Mutual relationships are great as long as they are just that, both parties are in agreement with what they want out of relationship, and where the boundaries are....

I can tell you that I have probably done things some people would deem inappropriate like having an affair with a married man for one. It wasn't something I set out to do, but it happened, and honestly I do not regret it. You read that right, I do not regret it. It also does not say I do not have respect for myself. If you are thinking that, again, you are entitled to your opinion, but I'm not asking for you to analyze me, I'm probably better at analysis than most. I learned a great deal from that relationship, and yes I can imagine how I would feel if I was on the receiving end of that; if I had been his wife.

Let me ask you, have you been a perfect wife/husband/sister/brother? Have you ever let anyone you love down? Did you raise perfect, well adjusted children as social deems it? Can one always count on you to be there, and to be Christ like in your actions? Will you, do you, lead by example? Do you put yourself out there, in uncomfortable situations, so that you will know what it is like to walk a mile in someone else's shoes?

It's very easy to turn away from energy and things you do not want in your life. The important thing is, you must ALLOW others to be who they are. If you are not ready to ALLOW, then really, do you have any right to tell someone else how to behave? Let me put it to you another way,

those who are best suited to tell others how to live a fulfilled life won't, simply because it is not in their character. They would rather live by example, and give you the option to take their lead if it works for you.

So I'm not asking anyone to change, rather I'm suggesting we all do an exercise in reflection, the next time presented with an option, to listen to something someone wants to share with us.

We can do one of two things:
1.) we can listen, be thankful that they have ALLOWED us to be a part of their reality and let them know we have heard everything they have shared with us. That's it. Nothing more.
Or
2.) We can offer them our unwarranted feedback about what they should do, and possibly have them decided they would prefer not to have our sort of energy in their reality. (That would be a great loss for us, now wouldn't it?)

What the HELL did I say?

2008-01-18T20:16:00.000-05:00

Thinking about it now, I guess there isn't anything I said that I should feel I need to take back, but I wonder if I would behave differently if I knew who my audience was...

Have a friend in town from Pittsburgh. Actually, I had never met her in person until yesterday. We worked together for about a year, talked on the phone daily, and got to know pretty much everything about each other. She finally came to town to do some training. Was great to finally meet her (Steph).

Work was not so great yesterday. As a matter of fact, about 400 people were let go, with another 500 scheduled for today; though I didn't hear the outcome on that one. Point is, it was was a really great day yesterday. Since most of the folks that were let go, saw it coming for a few weeks, they planned a happy hour at Bryant Lake Bowl. I went to provide my moral support and took Steph.

By the time we got there, most everyone was gone but there were a few people from my area that were still around. A couple I knew, including my girl Amy, and a couple I didn't...which is where my story comes in.
So this one very nice gentleman named Mike, starts talking about his upcoming trip to Maui. At which time, Amy and I say, "we love Maui, we just went a few months ago". To which he asked, "so did you swim naked in any waterfalls while you were there?" I promptly respond, "No, not waterfalls, but we did go skinny dipping in the Ocean late one night. As a matter of fact, one of our friends, stumbling in the dark, very drunk, fell down the cliff"

This sparked quite a conversation and before you knew it, we were talking about our naked adventure in the dark and I think he was giving us ideas of other naked adventures when we go back next time on our girls trip.

He was great fun. At the end of the night, I said, very nice to meet you, and off he went.

This morning on my way into the office, who do I see but Mike. Now, if you don't know this about me, I'm not very good with names.... so we chat on our way to our work area. I wish him well and that is that...

Later that day, I get a LinkedIn invitation from a project manager that used to be in our group. I didn't know him directly, but for some reason he thinks he knows me. Ok, great, I clicked accept. I go out and take a look at his profile, more specifically who his contacts are...

Well I see he has my boss on his contacts, or more specifically, THE boss on his contacts. A few layers up - it's a big company, everyone is an AVP, VP, or SVP - no really. I put no stock into the titles until you get to the SVP level, then I know you have some pull in the old boys network.

So, I click on the profile, to see what I can find about THE boss... Oh look, he has a picture...it's Mike from last night....

OH LOOK, IT's MIKE FROM LAST NIGHT

I start thinking, what the hell did I say? Well, it is what it is, and really could I be anything other than what I am? It did make me smile a little. No matter how you dress me up, you still can't take me out.

My bucket list - WORK IN PROGRESS

2008-01-09T21:59:00.001-05:00

I can't commit to sitting down and getting this all done in one session. My little brain can't handle that... I learned today the Calypso was not the child of Zeus but rather the daughter of Altas. I'm devastated. My whole foundation of Greek Mythology is destroyed!

Not really, but I did have a bet on it and I lost.

Ok, anyways, it's has been a really crappy day for me so I'm gonna start my list off with:

- Get rid of my minivan (and can I add not get another one, van that is)

I wanted to just start with my list for 2008 so here goes:

- the van thing I just said
- start learning french on thursday nights
- be nicer to people I do not like
- eat a slider - White Castle
- get rid of my budda belly (I do not want to commit to a milestone date, but know I want to do this very soon)
- Go to Yoga at work once a week
- visit at least 10 new parks this year
- join the womens archery group in the area
- learn to tango
- go rock climbing someplace in Minnesota this year
- visit JB in Arizona
- make tiramisu from scratch
- publish a non-technical/mathmatical article
- present at a PMI symposium
- See Wicked
- teach the girls how to sew
- teach Ana to walk without a leash or maybe have Ana teach me
- learn to do a cartwheel
- eliminate all of my financial obligations (or only have the ones you get every month, like electric, gas, phone)
- meditate everyday for 30 minutes
- stop eating meat (by the end of the year)
- start scuba diving again, or find a group I can do it locally with (maybe the volunteer police group in Minnetonka)

Ok that's it for tonight. Talk at you later.
-

If it's not right DO NOT BE NICE

2008-01-04T21:27:00.000-05:00

This one is short and sweet but I need to write it so the next time I'm in this situation I can remember this moment clearly....

Fuzzy Wuzzy - Do not return his calls, do not answer his calls, if you accidentally answer his call or one of your daughters hands you the phone, DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT smile when you are talking he can hear it. Finally, you cannot be nice, tell him you are seeing a very nice WOMAN who is completely bald and you LOVE that. Goodness, do not agree with him you would like to stay friends.

Miss the Target Tom - Ok, first of all, any man named Tom, you should run like hell. Even if he had the face of Ricky Martin, the qualities of Ron Jeremy, the intellect of Plato or Socrates, and the financial backing of Bill Gates - there will be something WRONG with him. Target Tom was even willing for me to call him by another name just so I would continue to see him. I KID YOU NOT. Note to self: "Jennifer what is that telling you? He is just overflowing with self esteem....not" Review your text message list before you send out mass "Happy New Years" you sometimes send them to men on your IGNORE list. Real Smart. He might be able to hold a decent conversation and be a professional but he smells likes stinky feet. He has no concept that it is not appropriate to call someone at 10pm at night and ask them if they want to go out...that night.

Brown Sugar - This one is going to be hard I know.... he is so beautiful, that fine brown frame, that....What was I saying? No, no, no. Ok, he sounds like Kermit the Frog; not to mention he sings all freakin time. I mean, it's one thing to sing a bar or two of Somewhere over the Rainbow, but he gets on that Beatles kick and you can't shut the little frog up. He is looking for a paycheck and yours barely covers you most weeks, you can't afford him. He can barely form a sentence but yet that doesn't stop him from talking all the time. Go buy a new toy from Smitten Kitten.

and last but not least....

Johny Conceited - He makes a living scalping tickets. Legal or not, would you be ok telling your friends that's what your boyfriend does for a living? When you go out with him, you would have to keep him away from mirrors or it will be difficult to get him to stop looking at himself. Do I really want to go out with someone that is prettier than me? Be honest, probably not... He continues to tell you what a great guy he is and a gentleman. If you have to profess it, what's up with that?

I almost forgot - and I'm not sure how, maybe because he stopped texting me for two days, wonder boy. I call him wonder boy only because he is so young. Legal, but still very young. It was nice at first, to get the attention of such a young, physically fit and athletic young man. However, I forgot that with youth also comes immaturity and obsession. I'm talking text me twenty times a day, calling me babe all the time, send me IMs when I'm working obsession.

For the record, let me state I have not gone out with, or stayed in with any of these men in the last 30 days - heck, it's probably safe to say even 60 days so all of the annoyance has been coming from phone calls, text messages, or emails. Which is easy enough to avoid I know, but still seems a bit passive aggressive. The thing I find most "odd" is why now? It's not breading session is it? I thought that was late spring? Is Global warming effecting more than just the ecosystem? Have the animals lost their sense of when to procreate as a result of the imbalancement?

That has been my first week of 2008. I wasn't going to make a new year resolution but maybe there is something I should put on my list of things NOT to do.

If it's not right - do not be nice or they will keep coming back. I'm going to go and read TuckerMax now, it makes me laugh.

Steeped in Tradition, Hungry for Change or Just Hungry?

2008-01-02T12:14:00.000-05:00

A New Year’s Day tradition in my family, stemming from our German heritage is to have Pork & Sauerkraut as the main dish. I share this with you because I always seem to have this “need” to know where I come from and to pass it on to my kids around this time of the year. It usually starts around Thanksgiving, or the beginning of November, the 11th to be exact – that is when Fasching (German Mardi Gras if you will) begins and I don’t seem to want to give it up until the ground starts thawing out and I need to work on losing the weight I have stock piled over the winter months. Because I don't know a single meal that has been passed down in my family that is truly good for you, even though they all taste great.

This year is no different. I feel inclined to share it with you because I also know that my daughter from France (Emily Martinez) now also reads this, and after talking with her yesterday I realized I haven’t shared with her much of how our history from Europe did follow us to the United States. Though it has changed over the years, and become “American” there is still a need for some of us, to keep that bond with our ancestors.

So why eat pig and cabbage on the first day of the new year…Cabbage leaves are symbolic of money not to mention, those Germans love sauerkraut. Autumn would probably eat it every day if I would make it. The pig has several important factors – the symbolism is that you eat pig instead of chicken because pigs rout/dig forward (with their snouts) and chickens scratch backwards. So going into a new year, you are looking, moving forward. To go deeper than that, and something more rooted in actual meaning – many families felt very fortunate to have pigs over the winter to be able to feed their families. I was also told that families would tell each other when they had eaten pig because essentially it was like telling people you had good luck. This was true in Germany, and also true in many of the early German settlers in the US (both in Pennsylvania and Minnesota which was first settled by Germans - this little fact I did not know until this past weekend)

That is also how it came to be that people story their money in “Piggy Banks”. Pigs were considered good luck. I’m not a big fan of marzipan, but I think most people are familiar with the giving of marzipan pigs on New Years for good luck – now you know why.

So, as I was talking to Emily on the phone – I told her Autumn was scarfing down our traditional meal, and she was quite surprised. Em has been studying in Germany for the past several years and seems it’s not much of a tradition there anymore. I will tell you more of Emily later if you care to read, she is my beautiful 23 year old daughter from France.

Funny isn’t it, American heritage is so young, and we want so badly to have a history – or be grown up if you will, and Germany, STEEPED in traditions, values, history, and people is ok with embracing the new, young culture across the pond and blending it into their every day lives. I guess it’s not much different from teenagers and an aging adult. What you can apply to one, you can also apply to many.

Sounds like a solid theorem to me and we all know how much I love logic...

It's Christmas Eve Don't Cha Know?

2007-12-24T17:37:00.001-05:00

Oh yah, ya bet'cha. It's time to break out the green bean casserole, green jello, and any sorta tarter-tot hot dish you can create. Do you remember any of your terms of sociology? Assimilation in particular? Well today I feel very strongly that I have forsaken my Pennsylvania Dutch traditions and become a Midwest Norwegian. As I stood in my kitchen, putting the finishing touches on my Christmas treats for friends, I realized I didn't make a single Whoopie Pie, Moravian Mints, or fastnachts (donuts).

I definitely think I have been in the Midwest too long...Did I mention how cold it is here right now too? Yesterday was the first day this winter when we had that, it's so darn cold you can't breathe weather. I mean, you breathe, and your lungs hurt so damn bad you think you are going to freaking DIE. No, I do not exgerrate - not when it comes to this ugly stinking weather. I mean, the folks that grew up here, that don't know that there are places in this country where you can do outdoor events for hours at a time without 2nd degree frostbite, think it's just fine and tell me I'm silly. However, for my friends and family back home - I kid you not, that really is state of our Winters out here....

So, I will go bundle myself up now and head to Carol's.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. To my friends and family that are so far away, I love you all, and even though we cannot be together in person, I am there in spirit and you are all in my thoughts and Prayers (Derek, Jason, Mom, Will, Sarah, Cheryl, Janeal, Skip, Em, DeAnna, Debbie, Claudette, Clayton, Justin, Peter), For those of you close by, I will see you soon enough to share warm tidings.

God Bless.

Now I call that a good weekend

2007-12-23T12:01:00.000-05:00

I did nothing all weekend. Well, I guess I did something, but I didn't have to go out once. I did get 104 Holiday Cards done. The goal was to get them in the mail BEFORE Christmas and as long as I go over to the post office today I will have accomplished that. Other than that, I watched 10 movies, fed all the animals, made a meal here and there, hmmm, let's see what else....oh, I made fudge. I don't mean to brag, but I make amazing fudge. Which really should come as no surprise to anyone considering how much I love chocolate. Knowing that I consider it a food group and all, I take great pride in the fact that I do my chocolate research and only use the best when I make my chocolate confections.

That was it though, really. I completely relaxed. What's better is I'm off all week, and I can do as much nothing as I want. I have no projects I NEED to work on around the house and I have no place I need to be. I have had plenty of invitations to join folks for celebrations, and as much as I love all of the people in my life, I really just want to do lots of nothing. I have stocked up on wine in the event that people drop in, but chances are they will get me in my sweats, my crazy curly hair (as Lisa likes to refer to me as Fluffy), and if they are lucky, showered. :)
Speaking of which, maybe it's time to do that....

Pros and Cons

2007-12-18T21:15:00.000-05:00

My life can be summed up by a series of lists, consisting of Pros and Cons. I know this is true. How you ask me? Because I am starting to push this concept onto my off-spring. It's sorta like this, you want your kids to play violin because YOU always wished you had done it. Or if you did do it, you wish you HAD been better it then, and you would have made something of yourself as an adult. I'm sure there is a specific term for this sort of psychological projection, I don't recall the specifics of Ann Freud's work but it's there someplace.

Anywho - point is, that is my means of functioning. Autumn wants a Myspace. She had (or maybe still has) a Myspace account. I blocked it on our router so they couldn't get to it. I didn't like that she didn't want me to know what was going on. The hell with that - she's not going to do it then. So, she keeps asking, and I just keep saying no. No, no, no, no. Then, last week, I decided I needed to find another way to say no so I told her, "Ok, you can have one if you can support the argument why I will not have to worry about it and what value it will add to your life. Make me a list of Pros and Cons, we can review it, and I will make my decision. You should know Autumn, if I don't feel you have strong points to why it will add value and how you will make me feel comfortable I have no concerns, you are dead in the water." She agreed.

She made her list here it is:
Pros
1. I want one because I can communicate better with my friends out of school
2. There is fun stuff to do like email and put up pictures
3. I can find new bands to listen to
4. I can plan stuff with friends
5. I can find old friends and look at peoples profiles
Cons
1. Because someone could hurt me or get personal info
2. It seems like hiding stuff from you
3. You might think I will do bad things or post bad pictures or something
4. People could use other peoples information and pretend to be my friend
5. Friends of min you don’t like could ask to do stuff without you knowing
What I will do to make Mom happy
1. set my name to private
2. Only be friends on myspace with people I know
3. Put good pictures on
4. Let you check my myspace
5. Listen to you if you ask me question about my myspace

Then she had an area for Notes and feedback.

Not bad I thought.. not bad at all. I mean, she is new to this, and she had to sit down and writ it up. I'm not going to tell you I said yes to her, that would be a lie. I still said no, but I also told her she could always re-submit after fine-tuning it a bit. She started working on that tonight...

I don't know what I hope her to get out of the whole darn thing. I'm talking about life now, not just the Myspace argument. I suppose I'm hoping she thinks before she does stuff.

For example, i remember a night out about a year ago ... it seemed like a good idea to have that fourth GreyGoose martini even though I hadn't eaten anything in about 12 hours. Then when I woke up around 7am the next morning not knowing where I was I thought....hmmm maybe I should have about that a little more. You can make up whatever details you want regarding the stuff I'm leaving out. Point is, I could have used a list prior to the 4th drink.

What's next on my list of things to do - let me look at my list....
I've still never had a Whitecastle... I think I should try a slider next week while I'm off. That and find some new options.
Ah well, what's a girl to do?

I'll take one in every color

2007-12-15T01:19:00.000-05:00

That was the line of the night. I just got home from a night out with my girl Sue. You know Sue, she's my angel that I have written about from time to time. We went out tonight for my birthday. Yes my birthday was a few months ago; just goes to show you how often I get to see her. Nonetheless, everytime we get together I am reminded why I love her so much. From the very first moment we sat down at the dinner table, we order for one another, start conversation as if we are just picking up from the conversation we were having earlier that day, and there is never an uncomfortable topic.
So, we had our very good but very bad for you dinner, sat and discussed the meaning of gratitude and caught up about the kids. Her son Erik graduates this year, and still waiting to hear from a couple of schools, and Hilary is just this beautiful, free thinking young woman that is sure to break many hearts just as soon as she decided she is interested in dating. I love getting pictures, it was the best gift I could ask for, and I didn't even have to ask this time, even better. We of course talked about miss first in her class Aspen (yes that's right, first in her 7th grade class of 900+ students) and my all to confident and sassy baby Autumn. Sometimes you tell people about your kids, and they hear you and think oh that's nice and then there are those situations where you are talking with the ones that actual care about them and want to know what sort of young people you are turning out into the world. It's another reason she is one of those fingers and toes people to me.

So, after all that we went to see I am Legend. It was good. I'm not going to give the details, if you like the trailer, go see it. Will Smith does have another one of those scenes that is only added for the women - you know, like I Robot, him in the shower... well I don't know how many years it has been but he just gets better. That is about the time Sue said, "I'll take one of those in every color" all I will say is, I agree.

So I'm home now, ready for a bubble bath. Should be a quiet day tomorrow. I can work on my math stuff, sleep in a little if Anna will let me, do nothing if that's what I decide. Might see Jesse this weekend, that would definately give me something to look forward to. He makes me feel young and energetic. I suppose, considering I'm just about old enough to be his mother there is good reason. (He really doesn't like it when I say that). It is nice to know such an attractive young man finds me just as attractive (the mother of two teen age daughters). I know, I know, it's my hang up but it's also my blog so I can say whatever I want here.

Two more addressed I added to the Christmas list today, now I'm up to 120. If only I could get a good picture of the family I could start knocking that out. I'll let it go until Monday, I still have another week. Goal is in the mail before December 25th.
Bubble bath is calling....

Wrapping it up

2007-12-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hey, sorry I haven't been out here in a while. Not sure I have a good excuse, I haven't been all that busy. Well, I suppose I could give you a blow by blow of all of the things that take up my time, but none of it is all that exciting, and I would just sound like all the other slobs in the world that say, "I've just been so busy" when really they've just been sitting watching trash tv and don't know why they gained 15 pounds this year.

No, I haven't gained 15 pounds, my point was I am not going to make my life seem more exciting than it is. We did add a new member to the family recently. Her name is Mia. She is beautiful. I will post a picture as soon as I download some.

Other than that, I'm sitting here tonight, putting together my Christmas Card list. I had to dig and dig to find my list from last year. Thank goodness I didn't give up, I found it. So I have been updating, verifying addresses when I can, making additions for those who have added to their families, a few that have subtracted, and a name change here or there. I didn't remove any, I think that is a good sign. I mean, the year before I took a whole bunch of people off of the list that I had decided I really didn't need to spend that enery on. All I have to say about that is, it is one of the very few good things that came from having Cancer - emotional house cleaning. AMEN!
So, after I did what I could on the confirmations, I started to think about the new friends and family members I have added this year, and also some of the people that have been in my life that I haven't done a good job of keeping in touch with. Now I'm not doing any sort of resolution and saying I'm some how going to suddenly get better (you all know me better than that) but I do want to at least send out the card and put a picture in it. So, here I sit sorta working on that, sorta working on this.

All and all it's been a pretty good year. A little older, not sure at all about the wiser, definately a few more gray hairs than last year, but also a lot more thankful for what I see in the mirror. I added some great memories to my mental scrapbook: new years dancing with 5 amazing women, sleeping under the stars on a tropical island, not sleeping in the back of my van on a perfect summer night, staying up all night watching old movies with my daughters, counting all the red-neck lawn decorations that Michigan has to offer on a road trip with someone I love, skinnydipping in the ocean, salsa dancing, building a deck with my brother and my dad, so many I can't even mention them all here. Even the bitter experiences this year have been good ones as I look on them now, after all I learned from them, how could that possibly be bad.

We won't be celebrating Christmas at my house this year the way we have in the past. There will be no presents, no tree, no decorations, and furthermore, no cookie baking. This year, we are just going to set aside 30 minutes to talk about the blessing we feel have been given to us and sew a few grocery bags we can send to a few of our friends to move the Green concept forward in our own little way. It might not sound like much fun to some, and it might be hard for some people to understand how a 13 & 11 year old would think that is a Christmas to remember but those people wouldn't understand me, my daughters, or how much my family has grown this year in our desire to make sure we understand the priorities in life and that we are true in our convictions. We are trying to get back to the real meaning of the day - celebrating the great I AM.

Don't worry, we will have our shopping day later, when everything is on Sale.

If I don't get out here again this year, all my love and warmest wishes to you. I hope you learned alot this year as well.

Big SMOOCH!

LOOK BUSY

2007-10-31T22:00:00.000-05:00

Need I say more...

However, if you are looking for him - I believe JB found him behind the couch.

Just another Maui moment.

Next Please

2007-10-26T22:14:00.000-04:00

Nothing paticular to write about. I was instructed today to write, so I'm doing just that... Ready to call it a day today - sad I know, friday night 9pm and I'm in my room and ready to call it a day. No JB I did not invite the birthday boy over, I decided to wait until there is only 15 years difference, wait, that would be sunday wouldn't it? Anna is at the end of the bed, Shiva is at my side, and there is some show on tv that should motivate me to not eat the apple crisp I just made. Na, I'm still eating the sweets. Yesterday was Amy's bday. She and a few others are at Huka tonight - I should have gone to do that, but I was being a slacker and just didn't want to drive for an hour. I will make it up to her tomorrow with lunch and sing to her in public. That's Amy in the picture. She is always full of smiles - quiet, observing, and always smiling.

Sorry, nothing witty tonight - check back, I'll try to do better tomorrow. Sweet dreams.

Fresh Starts

2007-10-18T20:37:00.000-04:00

Her comes one so I'm just going to take it as it is. I had the very best week a person could possibly imagine for a vacation. I started the trip off with two friends, and hopes to have something in common with 3 more, and found that I left with 5 kindred spirits that I hope I will have for the rest of my life. I needed last week, and as reality smacked me square in the flipping face Tuesday morning (Monday was pretty unevently maybe because I was so jetlag) but after taking two additonal days to get my "shit" together on the homefront and close a few doors that should have been closed a while ago, I have no choice but to be positive.

Change is good, change is very good.

Here's another random picture for you - BTW, what was ET's real name? I should send him a thank you or something.

Random picture of the day - I love this one:

Sounds like a country and western song to me

2007-10-16T15:52:00.000-04:00

Mammas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys....I guess I could have zoomed in on the cow crossing sign a little closer but I also wanted to get road in there. From my "Perfect" week away, 6 women singing to Willie Nelson in the car with all the windows down and no paticular place to go is the first one to note on..... stay tuned

Sleep when your dead

2007-10-06T01:23:00.000-04:00

just rambling tonight. Itineraries outlined, details of flights confirmed and every possible weather climate taken into consideration when packing (with the constant of 50 pounds and will you real need that or are you just gold plating) here I sit at 12:26am trying to clear my head so I can get a few hours of sleep before a very long day. No point, the obsessive compulsive tendencies I have are forcing me to make sure I have the house in order, food and supplies in order for Em, Aspen and Autumn, details outlined on the cupboards, and I have all the elements I need to play the jet set lifestyle for 7 days without letting on I am a total phony. If I have to explain the last line, just stop reading now, it's totally not worth it to you - go sit at a truck stop and wait for someone to order eggs over easy, it might be more interesting...no really, go now.

Can I just say I am so fortunate to have JB - she must have some sixth sense that says, "uh oh, friend in need, send energy their way". Cause she is uncanny. If you haven't seen her blog - go visit it, if for nothing else to look at her picture. Skinny beautiful bith - (yes bitch without the c cause it's a compliment that way in the hood) I truly don't have a clue how I got so fortunate, but I don't care, I'm just going to energy it and try to solve that puzzle at a later date. When I started at Wells, life was totally upside down, I literally dying, or on track for that ending, I was changing everything that made me feel secure in a career, and I hated everything about the new endeavor I has just taken on. The light in all of that was the woman I started with (we call her Jen Jen) and then several months later JB entered the picture were two people I added to the very short list of lifelong keepers. I stand strictly by a formula of fingers and toes for meaningful life decisions.

All the people you really need to get through life can be counted on your fingers and toes. All the things that truly impact who you are can be summed up by events you can count on your fingers and your toes. And last but not least, all of the things you truly need to have in your life to fulfill your destiny can be counted on your fingers and toes. It's not to say you need 10 of those to make it complete, but that we tend to make it all much more complex than we ever need to...

For tonight, I'm going to balance my checkbook, and make sure my 3 girls have snacks for school and cute notes for every day of the week so they all know I love them.

Hold the fort down until i get back.

Too Painful

2007-09-13T23:19:00.001-04:00

Sorry I had to delete my writing from yesterday, was just too painful to have out there. I need to figure this one out in a different forum.
Thank you everyone for all your input, I didn't like some of it, but I am listening.

Tuesday Taylor and the best of the '70s

2007-09-11T00:22:00.001-04:00

Do you remember the Tuesday Talyor Doll? She was doll made in the mid-70s, and she had black hair on one side, and blonde hair on the other. She was a super-model. She was not only a super-model, she had a kick-ass New York Penthouse. http://lyciascustoms.50megs.com/tuesday/apartment.htm
Now over the years as a child, my mom bought me many a dolls. Actually, it's no wonder my mom never spent any money on herself, she spent every penny on my sister, brother and I. It's funny how you start to see things in a different light when you become an adult. Ok, back to Tuesday... So this doll and her house. It was by far my favorite doll. I don't know why, I just prefered her over the other barbies. Maybe I liked that she didn't have to make up her mind about whether blondes had more fun or not - she could do it all baby.
Since most of the specifics of my childhood are a blur - it's good for me to write about the things I do remember, and thank goodness for the information highway to provide me with other freaks that actually kept their dolls in boxes so I can add links to my blog.
I remember playing with Tuesday Taylor for hours and hours. She had so many boyfriends, it was a revolving door. She and barbie used to even get into it from time to time cause Ken was seeing Tuesday on the side. (Where the heck to kids even get this stuff - I wasn't allowed to watch soap operas back then and my mom would have NOTHING to do with men) hmm, maybe some things are just instinctive.
Well, so, Ms. Tuesday was always having parties - and she was big into the club seen. This was also about the time I bought my first album - Alicia Bridges. The record skipped, and I had to load down the needle of my record player with pennies so it would play the one song on the record I liked - I love the nightlife. I used to play that song over and over again. Too the point that my mom made me move my record player to the back porch so she wouldn't have to hear it.
Whenever Tuesday would have a party, she would play that song.... Gosh, thinking back, I imagined life would be so glamorous. When did I take off the rose colored glasses I wonder? Maybe I still have them somewhere, I think I could use a little of that right now - as I'm trying to sort whether I do what feels right for my heart or what is right in my head. Another story, another day...
Since I decided to have this little flashback, I thought I would bring you guys along with me for the ride, so here you go, my memories of 1978 (7 years old):
Atari <http://games.atari.com/>
Pop Rock Candy http://www.poprockscandy.com/legends.html
Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific Shampoo http://www.stuckinthe70s.com/images/teenbeat0978gee.jpg
Blue Satin Shawn Cassidy baseball jacket ( I couldn't find a link to this one)
and last but not least - the song Tuesday liked to get giggy with:
I love the nightlife - Alicia Bridges

I'm a princess and don't you forget it

2007-09-09T23:19:00.000-04:00

It's my birthday...well Wednesday. However, I got to celebrate a little early with some of the wonderful people I'm always writing about. JB and Skip were in town this weekend so we got to get out for a bit and "hang". JenJen worked with JB to get Momma Knee and others to come out to hear some music http://www.prophetsofsoul.com/ and enjoy some simple food and people. I'm not saying that in any diminutive way - I'm saying it more as a back to the basics. I'm sick to fricken death of hanging out with the meat market crowd and having to worry about how you look when you are on the dance floor or going to the bathroom. BULL SHIT.

Anyways, didn't get the whole crowd out, but we had an absolutely wonderful time. Em (the girl who is living with us this year) came too, and she was a delightful addition to the group. JB made me wear a tee shirt - though fitting in it's description "Why are you talking to me, you know I hate you" was not fitting in any other form - cause my boobs looked like a just got out of Dr. 90201's office, but doc must have forgotten to take care of my luv handles. That and the princess tiara that said Birthday Girl. It was cute as can be, but I was going for low key - not stand out with the bride-to-be walking around with a blowup man and drawn on genitals...Though, I really could not have competed with that even on my best day :)

Anyways, I was very surprised when Momma Knee (AKA Carol) came out with my castle cake. SO BEAUTIFUL. And let me tell you, I ate my freakin cake, and I ate it for breakfast today too, and a little after dinner. I feel like a total princess. JB, Carol, JenJen - if I was the crying type, I would have been sobbing - I LOVED IT. And hopefully Bernie's girls enjoy the princesses too.

So, Wednesday is the official day - when I officially turn 36. Carol gave me a funny card Outside: In life, you're either the HAMMER or the Nail, so on your Birthday, the question becomes... Inside: Would you rather get hammered or nailed?

I didn't do either on Saturday but let's see what I can do to take care of one of those come Wednesday. I'll let you guess which one I'm planning on.

Well, it's time for this princess to get ready for bed. Back to the real world tomorrow.

Third verse same as the first

2007-09-04T22:40:00.000-04:00

You know the song, Henry the 8th... stupid song isn't it? Today I just feel like I'm a walking version of that song. Not that I have been married 8 times - heck we know with me, it was amazing I did it even once :)
I just frequently feel like I'm going through the same ole same ole. It's not bad, but it's not a best seller either. Here it is, 9:48 on a Tuesday night and I'm just finishing up work. I really need to nice hot bubble bath and a pedicure but I'm writing out here instead.
I owe Bill a big long email - and I'm sorta taking the easy route because I know he will read this and in a way I can say, see I wrote you back. He he he, isn't that clever? Actually, I talked with Carol on the phone last night for a while, and we got to do a mini-catch up, and I knew she would give Bill the 411 high-lights. It would have been more fitting if I had said 911 since Bill has been eating, sleeping and breathing Call Center problems/programming for months and months now. Anyways, without even saying anything to him today, he called me on it in an email. It really made me smile - to think that even though not many people get me, the people that do, really do. Faults and all, I have some kick ass friends and they totally get me.

I totally dumped planning my birthday on Janeal and JenJen. What, am I turning into a princess? Heaven help us all if that's the case. I'll need to make sure I'm keeping that in check. Carol did find a place that meets my requirements for jeans, tshirt, beer and pizza. Now if I can find myself a bull to ride, or if not a bull, I'll settle for a cowboy. Speaking of cowboys...

My Des Moines trips are either going to be a blessing, or a coordination night-mare. I just can't tell until I have a couple more under my belt. I like the people though, reminds me of South Dakota - friendly down to earth folk. They do have a nice sushi bar though too. I think I need to do some car shopping before too long. I can rent a car but I think for some of my longer trips it would be cheaper to take my car - any suggestions out there? Can I finally get my BMW?

I'm rambling I know - that's my point, third verse, same as the first. Doesn't really seem to matter what I do, in the end it all seems to feel the same. Maybe like the widow next door, sticking to what you know isn't so bad after all. Although I did have two Tom's and that didn't turn out so great.
Ok, bubble bath time of course that means I will have to stop texting with Corey. It's been such a nice conversation though too.
Oh, for the record, I have not figured out a nice way to tell Fuzzy Wuzzy I'm not gonna cuddy up with him on a cold winter night. Everytime I think I have an opportunity, he does or says something really nice and I feel even more like an ass.
Ok, really I'm off now. Night night.

Beautiful Achievement

2007-08-30T22:01:00.001-04:00

Everybody needs a rainy day

2007-08-19T22:19:00.000-04:00

Coming to the end of a wonderful weekend. Nothing special going on this weekend, and I didn't really accomplish much in the way of getting the routine tasks done either but that might be part of what has made it such a great weekend.

My girls and I had a very nice mother/daughter weekend. We hung out, made dinners together, took in a few movies, and just got our fill of being under each other's skin. Summer is quickly coming to an end; they will be back in school, I will be hard at work with new responsibilities and we will start the never ending cycle of running around after school to get everything done we have on our list - extra curricular and obligations alike. It's no different than anyone Else's home (whether you have children or not, or if you are a single parents or not) but I would like to think the way I handle it is not the norm. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and from my 35 years, I've come to appreciate, given the chance to express it, every single person will give you their opinion. It's not all bad, (especially when what they believe is in line with what you believe) and it does give you an opportunity to learn to deal with shit you would really prefer to avoid all together. So reading between the lines here, I'm saying, when someone says something to really tick you off, you find a polite way to say, mind your own fucking business. You should also keep in mind, as I try very hard to do, that what comes around goes around. So if you are offering your opinion to others, you absolutely are going to get it in return.

So getting back to the balancing schedule and beautiful rainy day. It rained all weekend. We had planned on heading out to Lynette and Patrick's house for their annual summer get together - but it's outside events so it just wouldn't have worked. So, we spent allot of time indoors. I don't need a reason to be "sleepy" since staying in bed is one of my favorite past-times but rain makes it easier to lean in that direction. So I did plenty of sleeping too. Girls did too. Maybe that's why they were so darn nice this weekend :)
Nonetheless, we all have a very busy schedule this week. I have two days of training, they both have lessons starting for the school year, planned events with friends, hair cuts, appointments to take care of peronsal needs, and Friday will be school clothes shopping and most likely closing down the pool. Days like today are good to reflect on when the schedule starts getting crazy. The one thing I really don't like, is when people complain about how crazy their schedules are - as excuses for not following through on promises or commitments they make. Instead of over committing, just say, I don't think I can do that - or can I not commit and let you know when it gets closer to the date? How hard is that?

Here's a good example of how to do it - friends that were having their first grand-child. She arrived last week, and I need to put the link to the proud parents blog on my favorite places, but don't have it handy at this very moment. Anyways, Carol let everyone know ahead of time, she was going to continue with scheduled events, UNLESS the baby came. She was very clear upfront, if you need me to be there, you should know, my first priority is Joni when I get that call.

Why can't everyone just be that upfront? Is it really so hard? Thinking about it, makes me tired. Maybe it's time to go back to bed.
TV is on and some stupid show about tanning - are we totally out of new interesting ideas for entertainment?

Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear

2007-08-10T00:18:00.000-04:00

Do you have a nickname? To be more specific, did someone once give you a nickname, that maybe you were not aware of but found out about later? I'm pretty sure you gave someone a nickname as some point in your life - unless it is Bill reading this, you are to close to being a perfectly polite and appropriate human being - which is most likely why I call you mr. mary poppins - anyways, you don't count Bill. The rest of us self absorbed, egocentric slobs do create nicknames for people.

I was watching a commercial for the Sex in the City movie that is being created. I swear to Goodness I should be a writer for that show. Between me and my gfs we have some funny episodes. Anyways, before I digress too much. I seem to have this need to give my men nicknames. It's like, once I give them a nickname, they have a play in my own little personal hall of fame. Honestly, if they don't get a nickname, they are forgotten as quickly as they enter the picture. I still think about PT (short for puddin tits) and he really wasn't around for long but he did make an ever lasting impression. If I wanted to remember his actual name, I would have to call my girlfriend Alisen, and as her, "remember that guy you dates before that guy you dated before you met your husband? Well, what was his friends name, you know the one, that had man boobs?" Seriously, that would be the conversation.

Ok, so bringing you up to date, I'm having a dilemma....There is this really nice guy that I have been seeing for a while now (and a while for me is longer than 2 weeks). He is so very nice, thoughtful, just an all around good guy. He's very simple, but that's part of his charm. I keep throwing things at him, waiting for him to mess up - say the wrong thing, tell me he doesn't like doing that, tell me he wouldn't try something new - but it just doesn't happen. We have absolutely nothing in common. I am big on teeth - it's the very first thing I notice about someone - I am totally grossed out by crooked teeth, and not to mention missing teeth, or those dying ones - you know what I'm talking about, gray and all deformed. Yes, it's fuckin shallow - and yes I'm obviously that fuckin shallow, so now that we have covered that, let's move on shall we?
So, the teeth thing - it's a big deal. I have repeatedly said, I would no sooner date someone with messed up teeth any sooner than I would date a smoker. Smoker is second on my list of no-nos. Then going down the list it is furry, dirty ears, dunlap syndrome, animal haters, fast movers, non-veggie eaters.... I can go on but you get the picture.
Back to our character that remains nameless - the nice guy. Why do I keep going out with him? I can't stop seeing him. I have no real reason to stop seeing him. I have lots of superficial reasons, but that would then prove I am as shallow as I just said I am. It's one thing to say it, it's another to accept it. I have given him a name
e though. He is the furriest man I think I have ever been that close to. Though I think teddy bears are cute and they are cuddly, when they feel like a poodle it doesn't something to my desire to cuddle. What's a girl to do? Looking back on Captain Hook, Dr. Dribble, puddin tits, sweaty sweety, baby bladder, mr. veggie, teeny peny, skinny jimmy.... (the list goes on) I can't tell you which one is less attractive than the next.
I will do my best to work on sleeping with my teddy bear and try to slowly see myself replacing it with a bigger, slightly more wirey version. And if that doesn't work, well, stay tuned to the next episode of the PBS version of sex in the city.

All clothes stay on in this version, in the event young people are reading so it stays PG.

Na, not much

2007-08-08T21:14:00.000-04:00

Hump day - that or wishful thinking. It's been a great week though. The new group is great - professionally. I still wish I knew what the hell I wanted to be when I grow up. I think I would make a pretty good, na, not going there.

Just sitting down to my wine and Susan Phillips - girls run to another room anytime they hear me put Opera on. Which is fine by me, I so need the alone time. I'm still trying to figure out whether I keep seeing my mystery man or not. I have a bit of a running joke with Amy and JB that I need to ask for ID before I invite anyone home from now on, but truth be told, what difference does it make with this one? If I have been spending "quality" time with him for almost a year and it hasn't bothered me until I went searching for more information, why should it make a difference at this point? It's not like I'm going to take him home to mom. Let's face it, the chances of me being impressed with any man enough to introduce him to mom is pretty darn slim. So, what does it matter?

Tomorrow I go to tour the imaging location and meet the people that will be on my infrastructure team. Hoping they are not looking for too many answer right off the bat. I think expectations have been set pretty high as to what I can deliver - which is nice, but will force me to live up to it then. JB and Skip will be packing up to make their journey to their new life in AZ. I'm so gonna miss them - even though they haven't been around much, they have made an impact. Been a great year for me - wonderful experiences, wonderful new friends, finding new sides to the old ones, watching my daughters become beautiful and capable young adults and feeling much better in my skin than I thought was possible at 35.

ok, time for another glass of wine and a bubble bath. Night.

SCRUM master & the Gypsy

2007-08-04T13:48:00.000-04:00

It's the end of week one in the new job. For those of you that I forgot to tell, I'll tell you about it now. I pretty much think everyone has known I have been sorta looking since I got the word I was cancer free in November of last year. It just takes me a little longer to decide on thing than the average person - I know that. Found a few positions that seems like they would fit the bill, but for whatever reason I didn't go that way, or get to go that way (the Ameriprise gig) I wasn't terribly upset about being stuck where I was because I knew it wasn't the specific vibe I was sending out and therefore, not the vibe I was looking to get in return. I know that now, because after week one, I feel really in my element. For the first time in a really long time on the professional front anyways. There is a lot of new lingo I need to be introduced to in this new role, but if my girls can train me on how to talk to a teen-ager the office thing should be a walk in the park. The funniest part of the week was being titled the Infrastructure scrum master. It was all of 2 days, when people started coming up to me making introductions and referring to me as such. I didn't and still don't know what to think of all that, but I will figure it out and rise to the occasion no doubt. It definately helps answer the question I have been asking myself about, "Do you want to persue more training in Program Management, continue to work on the PHD, or what, what's next?"

It's been a really interesting week and I feel like I've found some secret hidden energy source that I've never experienced before. Can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm going to do my best to keep with the wave for as long as I can.
Last night, JB, Amy Jo and I hung out in Uptown. On the walk to Stella's, we stopped at a fortune readers shop. I don't know what the hell was going through my head - like I said, new energy source taking me down different avenues. So we went in, and had her do a palm reading.
It was crazy how dead on she was about me. We got to ask two questions - mine where, "Will I be happy, and will I be remembered". Her immediate response was, "why do you think you are going to die? You are going to live for a very long time." I just felt this flood of emotion just pour out of me. Probably not a big secret, that I have been living on pins and needles since March 10th 2006 wondering what the heck comes next. Now don't read this the wrong way, I'm not saying I'm walking around all doom and gloom, "when is my time" that sure is hell is not me and I'm going to continue to do everything I always do without reservation. I have however, thought a great deal more about the relationship I will leave behind when my body is no longer present and how the things I have done have impacted this world our bodies live in.

The next thing the Gypsy said that really through me for a loop was when she said, "You are a leader. You were born to lead and not to follow" She said it over and over again. It wasn't the statement alone that was so surprising to me, I think I have known since I was like 5 I was never very good at following others and that when I try to do it, I'm unhappy. It was the way she was insisting I must lead and how successful I would be at my career. She told me my smile hides my real emotion and that others see me as very strong and hard (though I don't know if hard was the word she used). Her instructions were to keep smiling. At this point, I'm just thinking to myself, how could she possibly know I was just having this conversation with myself? I swear to goodness I feel like I'm the star in "The Truman Show" some days.
There were a few more things she said - all dead on. When she told me, I will be loved, but not in love, I guess she answered the question I asked, but it didn't translate the way I had intended. When I asked if I will be remembered, I meant as part of society. I wasn't looking for the touchy, sappy "does someone love me" crap. I know myself well enough to know that I'm not in a hurry to let anyone new in. I want to be remembered the way Charles Babbage is remember, or Hypatia of Alexandria is remember. Though not for her murder, rather her mathematical contributions. And yes, I am aware many people believe she was a lesbian. That comparison may actually have more to do with the Gypsy's response of "I will be loved a lot but not in love" quite a bit.

Yes I will definitely love, I have an absolute need for it. I love men, and I very much enjoy when they appreciate the energy I have to share with them. That is very different from being in love though. And of course, there are my friends and family, it's a given I love them, totally and without condition. Would it be such a terrible thing if at the end of my days, I didn't find my soul mate in this world, but I lived a full life with many loved ones in it? I'm pretty sure that would be ok with me.
Maybe I should just channel energy into being a SCRUM master for now, and figure the rest out later. Sounds like I have lots of time ahead of me. :)

Having Your Cake and Eating It Too

2007-07-25T22:40:00.000-04:00

You know the saying - everyone knows the darn saying, but does everyone know what the hell it is suppose to mean? Maybe you have your own flavor of what it means, but it goes something like, you want more than you can handle, or to have two things that just cannot work together. You pretty much need to choice one of them.

It's a stupid saying, yes it is. I didn't realize just how stupid until Jan pointed it out last week. We were talking about me and my never ending cycle of getting wrapped up in men that are not available. And I'm not looking for any psycho-analyzing at this point, I know why I do it and I'm just not ready to do anything about it yet. So the saying came up..." I think he wants to have his cake and eat it too" to which Jan pondered for a moment and say, "Why can't people just eat their freakin cake and be happy with it?" I didn't know what to say... She's right. Isn't that the best part of having a beautiful cake, enjoying it? I mean, when it's gone, you might miss looking at it, but you are full, and generally pretty pumped on sugar.

We probably spent another hour talking about how good it is to just eat the darn cake, that when we were done, I had to go to Baker's Square just to get a sweet fix. The gist of it was that, yes it is nice to have something beautiful to look at and to keep for yourself, something that seem seperate from the rest of your world, but darn near everything we experience in life is better when we can truly enjoy every part of it and share it with others. Minus flossing your teeth of course, nobody wants to see the popcorn that has been stuck behind your back tooth for a week now.

All the same, I would like to have a big ole wedding cake style, 3 tier cake baked and decorated, and just have a big party with absolutely no specific reason, but just share it with all my friends and loved one just because. Best part of it would be, I know I would get those questions, what's the occassion, or what's that all about. Symbolic maybe - that I'm happy just eating my freakin cake, and I'm not worried that there isn't going to be anything left when I'm done with it to continue to look forward to or feel good about. Yes it's probably true, you can't have it both ways, but really, does anyone who is honest with themselves really want it more than one way?

Ok, I'm hungry now, time to make a chocolate cake. Did you read the one about my feelings on chocolate, chocolate cake?
:)

Who’s to judge love?

2007-07-06T00:07:00.000-04:00

How do you know when what you’re feeling is real? More specifically, love. It can be an overused word, and I suppose it has different meanings to different people. Personally I’m not one of those types of people that throws the word around too much. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem when it comes to my children, my friends, or my family, but when it comes to the opposite sex I struggle. I personally think I need a sign from God, like parting of the waters to know what I’m feeling is real. Maybe it's because, personally, I've been hurt before.

I know I’m not alone in that uncertainty, but it does pose a difficult conundrum, “everyone says it, so who really means it, and what does it really mean?” I watch friends struggle, trying to figure out what true love is and how others will judge their feelings. Society says, there is sanctity in the piece of paper that calls two people a married couple. However we all know that doesn’t make you love someone more or less just because you are legally obligated to them. Sharing of vows in front of god and loved ones is a beautiful thing, but it’s also just a moment in time. That thing we call love is a living emotion, if you ask me. The energy that creates and sustains that feeling needs to continue to be fostered and cared for, just like any living thing.

What if your timing is just terrible? What if you find the right person, that one that makes your heart skip a beat every time you see his/her face but one of you, or both of you, is not free to give your love the way society deems it acceptable. Does that make it any less real? You have to run around hiding it, stealing time when you can, and hoping nobody finds out, because you fear how others will judge it. I know more than a few couples that have been in that place too. Trying to deny that feeling; even calling it something else, so you don’t have to use that four letter word. You can tell yourself, it’s just sex, or it’s obsession, or just the want for something you can’t have, even comfort in friendship….

Or you can try to solution for how you are feeling. Tell yourself, it will go away if I don’t see him/her. Pretend if you keep that little piece of paper that says you are married, some how it will make today and the rest of forever with that person work without really working on it, or that you are going to hurt that person you are married to less if you stay in the marriage even though something is missing for one of you.

Or you spend your free time trying to find someone else to fill that void, because if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with….right? I can only speak for myself, but I really don't think that one works; I've tried it a time or two, or three, or four. I have no answers I only have feelings. You can tell me what you think, this is my definition of when I woman loves a man.

When you are doing something you really love to do, or a great new experience you wish he was there with you. The places you know he will be, you hope to see him. You get a little pang in your stomach, the way you did when you were a child on Christmas Eve, hoping to see him, or have him see you. When you stand in his presence, you want with every part of your being to touch him, to be touched by him. When you do touch, a tingle goes through your body, that’s not sexual but complete elation. At that very moment, nothing to be more perfect and right.
The feelings and thoughts of him don’t go away with time or absence. The next time you see him, it’s there, that same feeling, even stronger than before. When you do finally come together, for a moment, or an hour, or a day, you can’t seem to get enough. You can’t seem to get him close enough to you. Listening to his voice, looking at his smile, seeing the passion in his eyes as he is looking at you. You try to tell him with your body, your emotions, the very essence of who you are, what words can’t seem to express. How hard is it to say? It doesn’t make that feeling any less real if you don’t say.

The beauty of it is, you know he feels the same way you. Will the time come when you can have this? When you can let the world know you have given yourself to him, and he to you. Yes I know all the real world stuff like kids, money, chores, personalities and sickness have to be addressed but if you can be honest with one another, truly honest with one another I don’t know how you couldn’t get through those things.

You want to know all of his dreams, all of his pains. It’s not about pointing out flaws but you feel honored when he feels so comfortable with you that he tells you the things he is insecure about and somehow he knows you are accepting of those things and somehow brings you closer together. You want to respect and embrace everything and everyone he loves because you value the choices he has made and knowing he has chosen those relationships carefully.

After all, when you are lying there in one another’s arms, maybe it’s secret from the world, but it’s true for you and him, and it’s the most honest thing two people can share. Ending the moment is the lie, and having to go back to what the world deems appropriate is the sin. So why is it so hard to say it then, when it feels so right? I know it’s true, I love you.

I'm still here....

2007-07-04T01:47:00.000-04:00

I have lots to say, but the thing is, lately, I've been saying them outloud. Working on not being such an introvert. Don't say I'm not, I really am. I can talk to people just fine, but have you ever noticed it's usually about nothing important? Facts and current events but never about anything that matters. Of late, I have been trying my hand at actually sharing.

Some of it feels really good, some of it not so good. I have some emotions I have been trying to figure out lately. I'll let you know when I get enough of a grip on them to put it into words.

Went to the Police concert tonight with Carol. We had a great time. I need to step up my yoga, I want to look as good as Sting does....he's 56 and can put many 20somethings to shame.

Ok, that's it for tonight. I'm going to bed now. And yes, alone :)

Night!

Sunday night

2007-04-22T21:44:00.001-04:00

Well, another week has gone by and here we are ready to start a new one. Interesting events this week - aren't they all of late? I have had more drama in the last year than I person needs for a lifetime. So much for all my reading about manifesting your destiny - "the secret" and "laws of attraction". I will have to dig a little deeper for the meaning and let you know what I come up with...
My dad and my brother arrived late today from Pa. They are staying for about a week to help me get projects done around the house. I signed the papers on saturday and put the house on the market. It was a melancholy event. Even though I know it needs to be done to get to the life I truly want, it's letting go of something I'm still not sure I'm ready to let go of...
I can't even tell you all of the blessings I need to count this week in the form of loved ones in my life - Bill, Carol, Janeal, Lynette, Patrick, Sue, Jana, my brother Will, Dawn, Drew, so many others in less significant ways but sending me their energy and love nonetheless; all of them helping me and supporting me in one way or another. Will be scheduling a painting party in a couple of weeks to put the finishing touches on the house so hopefully the girls and I can close this chapter fairly quickly and get on to a new one.
Autumn turns 11 on Tuesday. We survived a 12 girl sleepover on saturday and I think even Autumn would admit under duress that she learned a lesson about having too much of a good thing. She was a trooper though, and sucked it up when things got a little hairy and in the end it all turned out ok. Taking words out of her mouth, she would say, she is her mother's daughter. The way I see, that is about the nicest compliment a mom could ever ask for - to have your child see the way you handle difficult situations and value your choices enough to want to model their behavior after yours.
Time to watch the Tutors. It's a good way to turn my brain off for a little while. Look forward to talking with JB tomorrow about the events of the weekend. She helps me step back and put it all into perspective so I can just figure out how to not go crazy from day to day.
Sleep well my loved ones.

Getting the Boot

2007-03-05T22:53:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days, those Murphy’s Law days? If something can go wrong it will? Even when you try you’re hardest to stay positive? Do I have a story for you?

It was a day like any other day, going through the daily rote activities. I was about ½ through the work day, when a friend and I decided we needed to get out for lunch. I think we had both been having spells of, “where have all the good men gone”. At this particular time in the year, we decided we would take turns being the eternal optimist so when one of the two of us wanted to go through the “woes me”, the other would snap us back to “hey we are doing just fine look how good our lives really are”. This particular day, it was my turn to be the cheerleader…..

Off to lunch at the Bad Waitress. If you have never been there, it’s a cute little diner on Nicollet that offers a good old fashion white trash grub with an interesting serving routine. When we pulled up, we had a hard time finding a parking spot. There was a little alley right next door to the shop that looked like it was perfect for the parking. Great, let’s get our lunch and a cup of sunshine.

Lunch was good, I think we both had burgers, or sometime of the like. Pretty good deal $20 for the two of us. I even think by the end of the lunch, my friend was convinced it would all be ok, if even just for the rest of today. So, back to work we go. Out the door, on a beautiful summer day and back to the minivan parked around the corner.

What is this? There is a BIG orange sticker on the driver side of my window. Hold up, what the heck is that on my tire? You have got to be kidding me…. I have been booted? WTF! Where is the sign, where does it say I can’t park here?

There was no sign, well, none that could be seen from the parking lot. Well, let’s call the number on the BIG orange sticker. Ok, it will be about 15 minutes, or so the guy on the phone said. All of a sudden, my optimism was fading. I couldn’t falter, not today; it was my turn to be cheerleader.

So the rent a cop comes and explains to us, “Well yeah, the sign is at the front of the parking lot, right next to the bush”. What he meant to say was under the bush, and once he moved it aside we could clearly read parking was for the accounting shop next door. How nice. I asked why are there no signs in the parking lot explaining that. “Well, that would be too expensive to put a sign at every parking stall”, he stated. I’m thinking, yeah, of course it is, and not to mention it might cut into your $110 a pop for booting cars. Best my friend and I could figure was, once you turned the corner and did not go into the accounting shop, the shady looking guy sitting at the front of the parking lot runs back and immediately boots your car.

So an hour goes by, and our rent a cop is taking his good old time getting the darn thing off. I’m still looking for the bright spot, remember, cheerleader…. I say, “Well, at least we get this bright sticker to remember the occasion. Just think, we will be laughing about this years down the road. Just as these words roll off my tongue, our buddy, our less than friendly security thug, says, “Oh no, you don’t get to keep the sticker, we reuse them”.

Ok, can you repeat that, cause I am not sure I heard what you just said. “No, see here, there are two strips of stickers on back, we try to use them once or twice”, he comments. I am now PISSED. So you are telling me, you are charging me $110 buck for 20 minutes in an empty parking lot, and I don’t even get to keep the FUCKING sticker? Can you at least use a little lube when you stick it to me? I’m ready to fight.

My girlfriend is saying, you see, it’s my luck. She is also telling me, please don’t punch this guy in the face or we will never make it back to work. Did I mention we this had been waiting there for almost an hour waiting for him to write up his little sheet that says I parked in the freaking lot?

I INSISTED to him, I was keeping the sticker. “No you aren’t”, he said. “Oh yes I am”, I replied. “No you can’t, but you can buy one for 5 bucks”, states Rent-A-Cop. “I have to pay for a used sticker? You obviously think I’m mentally stable that you can stand there and tell me I can't keep this sticker and not think I’m going to go all ghetto on you”, that was about the gist of my response to him. After the fun banter back and forth for another minute or two, and my friend standing beside me saying, “Please Jen, please just give up the sticker, remember you already have one assault charge on your record” I was ready to give up.

I paid fee, thank goodness they take Visa… and we were ready to take off. One last attempt on my part to save the sticker, “Come on mister, my friend is having a really bad day, and at least give us this to keep as a souvenir? Please?” I did my best to use my cute little flirty smile, though it was hard to muster up at this point.

He must have felt pretty sorry for us at this point, he gave me the used sticker, without charging us the $5.

It was without a doubt, the most expensive burger I have ever had, but, it was also a memory I will not soon forget. I have no doubt, JP and I will laugh about this for years to come, and anytime we go out to eat and look for a parking spot, we search for hidden signs. I’m not encouraging anyone to try it out, just to see if they let you keep the sticker, but hey, if you have an extra $110 bucks you would like to just spend, and you want to join the bright orange sticker club, head on down the Bad Waitress, and you know where to park….

How much symbolism is there in lighting a candle?

2007-03-02T21:14:00.000-05:00

It’s a nice quiet Friday night. For the most part, the Midwest shut down today. We have had so much snow the last two days, we are finally measuring it in feet instead of inches. Now, if you read my little irate about snow, you know I don’t care for it much, but I did get a snow day. My group at work was told to work from home, and sometime before noon, we got the word they were closing the office. Well, if you didn’t have to be out on the road for anything, how could you possibly see it as anything but an opportunity to enjoy a little hibernation?

So, here it is, 7:30 at night, I have XM 73 playing (classic jazz), candles lit all over in the living room, and I’m curled up with a glass of wine on the couch. I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend a snowy night. There was an opportunity to get for a “date” but I wasn’t ready for the uncomfortable goodnight, or having to invite him in. See, this would be date number four with this particular gentleman and I’m not sure if I would be required to invite him in and well, I just think I needed a little alone time. On the topic of dates, protocol and candles, let me tell you a little story about a date a few months back.

I don’t remember the specifics of the night, when it was, what we had gone and done for the “date” – most likely a movie, seems to be the standard for the chap that can’t or won’t think of anything more original to do. The thing about this guy was/is, he has been my friend for some time now. I’m still not sure I would have categorized it as a “date” but he informed me a few days later it was so let’s just go with that (not to mention this story is getting really long isn’t it?)

Ok, so after the “date” we came back to my house, of course I invited him in, we opened a bottle of wine. I lit candles in the fireplace, just like I’m doing tonight for little ‘ole me, and we sat and talked for hours. About the time I was thinking the night was over he leaned over and gave me a kiss. Now I’m not going to comment on the kiss itself, cause the important information here is IT WAS TOTALLY UNEXPECTED. I didn’t see anything about the events of the night, or anything about our relationship as romantic. I guess I thought I was spending time with a friend that was going through a painful transition.

A couple of days later, I mustered up enough guts to ask him what that was all about, intentions of the night, the kiss, and how I could have been so confused by it all. This is where I want to remind you we have been friends for a very long time, and there has NEVER been any chemistry between the two of us. All he could say to me in response was, “Well, you lit candles.”

So as I’m sitting here tonight, obviously trying to woe myself, (I have all the ingredients: candles, soft music, wine, and I smell really good since I just got out of the shower) I’m wondering, do you think I’ll get lucky tonight?
I ask you….

How many candles are symbolic of go ahead, make the move? Maybe it’s not even quality, could it be size?

Does size matter?

If it’s a skinny little table candle, what is that saying?

Maybe it’s not size, but what you do with it… you know, not the pencil but what you write with it?

What is the safe zone – if you stick it in the kitchen?

How about color….will that have any impact on the events? I've heard it said, once you go black you will never go back? Can this be applied to black candles? I mean, in the back of my mind, I’m thinking, if I’m lighting black candles all over the house, I would be waiting for someone to pull out the voodoo dolls, stick pins and chanting; of course that’s just me….maybe that’s a turn on to some – I HAVE NO IDEA, so I’m asking, what’s the code?

It used to be a candle in the window meant, hello friend, my home is a safe haven from religion persecution, all are welcome here. Has that changed too? For all I know it could hold the same meaning as putting a red light in your window.

Do you think I can pick up a book on candle protocol? Maybe they have candle etiquette for Dummies, if not, maybe somebody should write one.

Angels among Us

2007-03-01T02:12:00.000-05:00

This is not what you think. If you looking for something that is going to explore out of body experiences or discussion about the after life, keep looking that’s not at all what this is about. This is much more simplistic than that, more about making it through this life, the one we can actually measure and the one that makes us measure the success or failure of others. I know my thoughts are random, so I’ll ask for your forgiveness now on where this one sided conversation might go.

I want to go back about 11 years. I was 24 years old. I was an aggressive, witty, and extremely unhappy young consultant climbing the corporate ladder. I took a class from this extremely charismatic and genuine instructor on Lotus Notes development. (Emphasis on the genuine here). I can’t even tell you what it was about this person, but she was so warm and full of energy that I hung on every word she said during that class. After that class was done, I decided, that’s what I would do…as a young consultant climbing the corporate ladder….I would be a lotus notes developer. I took about 5 more classes, in different subjects, including PeopleSoft, SAP, Oracle, and other crap I really can’t remember but it was important at the time I know. I know I should give you the background on why it was I got to take so many classes, and all the wonderful exposure to technology I got, but that’s a different chapter, and one I don’t really think is worth sharing at this point. Let’s just say, I was one of the chosen few that worked for Connect Consulting….

Moving ahead, I became friends with this person. I even followed this person to the next step in my climb of the corporate ladder….Metrix Corporation. Let’s name her shall we (cause she’s gonna hate this, KNOWING her the way I do) Susan Chester. I had no idea at the time, she was going to be my angel. My own personal angel. The person, that you know, once they touch your life, you will never be the same again. I just knew there was something special, something great about her, and I wanted some of whatever it was she had in her possession.

I need to tell you, those of you who don’t know Sue, she’s just like you and I. She has her own struggles, she has a mother, she loves more than anyone on the face of this earth (even though she would NEVER admit it), that just doesn’t seem to understand how perfect of a child she created. She has so many thoughts in her head that she just can’t get out; because either nobody cares to hear them, or she doesn’t have the persona to carry the weight it needs to have value to the rest of the world like Martha Stewart or Orpha Winfred. All the same, she is pretty fucky amazing. Let me just jump ahead, without giving you all the gory details. I had a very dark spell. I very dark spell. Not that I was in any threat of killing myself, but rather fading away into non-existence…which looking back, is like saying, I don’t matter enough to make a statement on my exit.

After all, we don’t remember William Faulkner for all his glorious writings, even though he was a Pulitzer winner just like Hemmingway because he dies quietly, just fading into the night. Hemmingway had to have a tragic death, so we could say, oh, how terrible, what a troubled soul…

So, Sue, she was there for me, through my dark period, and not only helpings guide me through that 7 month period but a lot helping me to see the next chapter, and \where I could go…She cared when nobody else did. NOBODY. Not a single person who knew me, not a single person who said they loved me. She wouldn’t give up, and I can’t understand why. I wouldn’t have done the same thing, if I had been in her place. I don’t care for anyone that much and I can’t give of myself that way, not now, probably not ever. She had no reason to care – and there was reason to think that was she was doing, that giving of her time, her energy, her love, would have any return on investment. Why do you love me Sue? Why should you care?

Skipping ahead, let’s say 7 years or so. I don’t see Sue very much. She doesn’t live close, and we don’t work together anymore. Neither of us knows what the hell we are doing on this earth, and chances are we will die not knowing. However, not a day goes by that I don’t think about her, and thank the higher powers that keep moving me forward that I see moved my path in life. I may never be a Gandhi but then again, maybe I will is some other form – I sure as hell hope so. If I do change one single life, and make it better for someone, or help someone understand it’s about others and not what we get out of it, it’s all because of my angel, and her faith in me.

If I never experience a love so pure again in all my life, I will be fortunate to have experienced it at least once My prayer to her is that someday she knows how perfect she is and can let go of the need she has for the love of her mother. To give of one’s self is the greatest gift of all. Thank you Sue.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let it Stop

2007-02-28T21:19:00.000-05:00

Warning: This posting is not in support of Winter Weather. Content my not be acceptable for all Audiences. Writing contains Strong emotions, attempts at adult humor, and excessive bias against temperatures less than 40 degrees.

I am not a fan of winter. I don’t ski, and don’t own a snow mobile, I own a snow blower but I do not enjoy having to use it, and furthermore, no I don’t think it’s pretty no even on Christmas. Here we are, on the eve of what is suppose to be a significant winter thrashing in the Metro Minneapolis area and I can’t even look forward to calling off of work and just staying in bed all day, thanks to a BIG meeting I have had scheduled for weeks now. When you turn on the news, all you hear about all day is either, “Get ready the snow is coming” or something to do with the battle over Anna Nicole’s body. I could digress really easily at this point, but I’ll try to keep focus.

Growing up on the east coast, we got snow, plenty of snow. Thinking back, I don’t think I even enjoyed it then. I remember a good cup of cocoa or two, but not the actual event of being out in the cold. I know my sister, brother and I made a snowman or two, with attempts to get our picture on the front page of the Press Enterprise (they liked to do those warm fuzzies in the winter since that was about all the warm you were gonna experience) but no such luck for our household. All and all, I could manage it though; I just accepted it was a part of life, spring, summer, autumn, WINTER. At least it didn’t last forever, and it was equally distributed. That is.. until I moved to the Midwest.

I will be the first one to admit, it could we worse than Minnesota in the Winter…. It could be one of the Dakotas. I think the reason I have been able to tolerate it here in MN for the last 11 years is because I was subjected to SD winters for 3 years. Now if you have never been there in the winter, let me help you visualize it. It is exactly how you would imagine Hell if it did freeze over.

Each year it gets harder to stay. Oh how I long to drive my snowblower into Lake Minnetonka and donate all my cute little scarves and matching gloves to good-will.

Chances are, tomorrow, I will drive into the office, it will take 3 hours to get there, and all the people that were suppose to be there for the offsite are stuck at home. Now I know, thinking this way goes against the laws of attraction and positive mantra BUT.... where does Murphy's Law fit into that equation?
Ok, I have nothing clever and witty to say at this point, I am cold, the snow has frozen what little is left of my brain...maybe I would make a good mate for a snowman...

What do you do on a day off?

2007-02-26T21:05:00.000-05:00

It's been a good day. A really great day. It really started on Friday, the beginning of my really great Monday. Gosh, if I want to be specific, it started Thursday night. I had such a great night, and it really wasn't the events of the night so much as just the conversation that was had; though it was an all around great night. I can't even put my finger on it, it was just such a real and genuine conversation between me and someone I really didn't think knew the first thing about me.

So setting the stage for Friday nothing was going to ruin my good juju. The day was pretty uneventful. Work was good, work itself is always pretty good. Then I had a meeting with my boss; nothing out of the ordinary, just a weekly powpow. He mentioned one of the other managers thought I got to work from home quite a bit. To his point, try to keep it to a minimum. That was the end of the day friday.

You know, thanks to that little seed, this is the first weekend in almost 3 months I didn't work. I enjoyed the entire weekend and didn't think about work once. Sunday night rolled around and I remembered I had an appointment today I couldn't afford to miss. So I took a 1/2 day. Usually the way it works, when I take a day off, I work until all hours in the night to get everything done and then some.

I didn't do that today.

Instead, I wrote a blog, sent a letter to my Aunt back in Bloomsburg, wrapped my sister's Christmas gift (yes I realize it's February) , wrapped a box for my brother, sent pictures to my daughter in France, who has been sick, made soup for a friend I just found out is expecting (I'm so excited I'm going to be an Aunt), and finished a project that has been waiting for my attention since Thanksgiving.

All this thanks to a comment by someone who was worried I might be enjoying a flexible work schedule a little too much.

So, thanks to "The Man" for reminding me, you can give 100% to work and still call it a day at the end of the day. I'm going to work better at doing this on a regular basis. It was a really great day today.

Life Explained by Automata Theory

2007-02-26T15:14:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying I'm a junky. I'm hooked on theory.. I don't think you would know it to look at me. I think I hide my passions pretty well. It's a trained response, Pavlov's dog had nothing on me. Besides, isn't that what junkies do after all, or at least attempt to do...fit in and still get their fix? Who's to judge?

Setting the stage, can you relate:

Childhood: As a little girl in the '70s, growing up in a small rural community, the underlying message delivered by society, was grow up pretty, find a nice man to marry and have babies. Nobody explained what you should do with all the questions rattling around in your head, and how to find a way to come to some equilibrium with the need for more information and a content life. Can you really zero it all out? I can't tell you how many times I prayed to be theoretically "FAT, DUMB, and HAPPY" . Unfortunately, it just never seemed to fit into any of the formulas presented to me. Let's just keep trying, shall we?

Adolescent: Follow the norm, want what everyone else wants. The system works so don't try to fix it. I definately wasn't the prettiest girl in school, wasn't the smartest, wasn't the most talented, I wasn't even the most unique. I was someplace in the middle; on the bell curve I was absolutely part of normal distribution. I was extremely NORMAL to the passer by. Maybe I finally found an algorithm that works. Let's continue to do stress testing. Set the goal at 100 years.

Young Adulthood: Against the recommendation of the one person, who, to date, has truly undertstood I will no more fit into Normal Distribution than Infinity divided by INDIVIDUAL LIFE has Finite meaning, I married and started on my path to a socially acceptable life. Two beautiful babies later, I wouldn't change that experience for anything. Algorithm still seems to hold. Everything is within statistical control. Perfect!

30 Something: Is it about starting over, or building on what we know? The older I get the less I know. One of many definitions of Automata Theory: The mathematical study of machines and their capabilities for solving problems by means of algorithms. That pretty much sums up the population to me, wouldn't you agree? At some point in each and every life, we ask ourselves is this the right path, or do we? And if we don't ask ourselves such questions, are we really any different then a machine? Just applying the rules and conditions to move us from one state of being to another.

"If the computation of an automaton reaches an accepting configuration it accepts that input. At each stage of the computation, a transition function determines the next configuration on the basis of a finite portion of the present configuration. "; David Weir 2000.

Seems pretty straight forward to me. Each of us trying to find the abstract algorithm that works for each of us, knowing that our realities intersect with others, if we so let them. As we parse it all together, it's not a one size fits all model; we try to take what we have learned from others, from our own attempts to make it "work" and we continue to move forward. For sake of society, because quitting isn't a logical option, feeling deep down this all fits into the puzzle of the universe somehow, that each of us has meaning and our time here, though maybe a blip on the calendar of Eternity is significant.

After all...one small deviation in the form of a life lived exactly as the creator intended can create a whole new outcome that we can all benefit from. So, change it up will you, time to make your own math.
;- )

Chocolate As a Food Group

2007-02-18T23:30:00.000-05:00

Ok, let me start by saying, I have not been a fan of blogging. That is, until a friend opened my eyes to a world of amazing blogging. I of course, do not have those talents, but I do have alot of nights when I just can't sleep so it's either this or bake chocolate cakes all night. Lead in to the real subject, chocolate is a food group.

I've been on this kick to detoxify my body for about 4 maybe 5 months now. I cut out the sugars, got rid of the coffee, do a cleansing once a week where I just drink kephir and water all day. For the most part, it's all going pretty well. Well, that is except for my need for chocolate. The funny thing about this is, that I really was not a big fan of chocolate until recently. Now I can't say there is a direct correlation to my new love and my elimination of some sinful behaviors (though maybe I just gave up some and replaced them with another). Nonetheless, I have a new friend in chocolate. Of course I have found supporting evidence to say there are good antioxidents in chocolate, and that euphoric feeling you can only get from chocolate and love so why not embrace it right? I'm staying true to my quest for detoxification though... I don't use sugar, I stay clear of flour...but did you know you can make the most amazing cake with just eggs and yes CHOCOLATE. I have perfected it I do believe. My daughters like to joke now, "Mom, it's Tuesday and I don't see a cake in the fridge, did we run out of eggs?" Don't get me wrong, if I'm in a pinch, it's not beneath me to eat a sugar free chocolate pudding, or cocoa and cream cheese, or chocolate cream soda, I could go on but you get the picture.
So, since I have this new love, this new addiction if you will; I needed to find justification to support this new need of mine. So here is my rationale:

It is a vegetable. Well, it comes from a bean doesn't it? So bean, vegetable, duhhh. If you think about it, it's really a health food too. All those great anti-oxidents and all. Not to mention it is the perfect breakfast food. I mean, my chocolate cake for example, is made with eggs, 10 to be exact, so if you think about it in portion, it really has very little value in relation to all those eggs. We have all been eating eggs for breakfast since the chicken. Or was it the egg, I mean chicken, egg. chicken... Oh wait, that's another story, we can cover that one another time.
If you want to take it one step further, we create holidays just to celebrate it. You can't tell me that Valentine's Day really isn't just a cover to over indulge in chocoloate delight or Sinterklaas Eve events.

What?

You don't know about Sinterklaas parties? Well, if you are dutch, or you grew up in the in a traditional german dutch family, you would might know a little something about this season created to celebrate St. Nicholas. The very last surprise of the Sinterklaas event, is to give each person a chocolate initial, the first inital of their name. Most of the time you find it in your shoe or boot the last morning of the season. That event alone should sway you to agree with me that chocolate truly does have amazing powers. That someone was so enamored with this food group, that they would put it in a stinky smelly boot just to see if people would still eat it. Didn't work when they tried it with broccoli.

So there you have it, Chocolate is a food group. I've convinced you haven't I? Let's celebrate, how about a piece of cake, or some chocolate milk? Almost breakfast time, we could make some chocolate chip pancakes. : )