I wish I could come up with something clever to say whenever I’m having one of those moments. My coworker Heidi says, “What The” and just stops it there. I think she can get away with it because she just has one of those adorable infectious smiles…ALL OF THE TIME. If you know me at all, you know that is NOT me. My smile is more of a “ok, shut up now” or “you really have no idea what I’m thinking” sort of thing…
Since my 18 month engagement (and by engagement I’m talking about work and not my personal life) just ended my schedule has completely changed. I went from work 70+ hours a week, to working 40 and having time to join a gym, starting grad school (again), go to dinner with friends, tend to parental duties and reading books for leisure. It’s been really nice but also difficult. Change is never easy for anyone. I don’t care who you are…and if you are reading this says “oh that’s not true” just shut up, you are full of crap.
I would like to think I do not need to measure my worth by what a earn for a living, how good I look in skinny jeans, or how many dinner parties I get invited to but I know I’m not quite as socially retarded as all of that…. I do care….a little…
Lately I have just had so many of those moments when I want to just express that something is not quite the way I want it but don’t have the right words to fit the occasion. Next problem is, if I did have the words to fit the occasion I probably couldn’t say them because THAT social educate rule has not yet been obliterated by reality TV. If it was having my boob falling out of my shirt or showing off my muffin top that would be acceptable but cursing is still a No No. So what’s a girl to do? I think I’m going to go look up some cute sounding Eskimo phase for “Go Play with your poopy” or “Your butt and your face are in the wrong positions” and use those…sure that will make me feel better.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
What The….
I wish I could come up with something clever to say whenever I’m having one of those moments. My coworker Heidi says, “What The” and just stops it there. I think she can get away with it because she just has one of those adorable infectious smiles…ALL OF THE TIME. If you know me at all, you know that is NOT me. My smile is more of a “ok, shut up now” or “you really have no idea what I’m thinking” sort of thing…
Since my 18 month engagement (and by engagement I’m talking about work and not my personal life) just ended my schedule has completely changed. I went from work 70+ hours a week, to working 40 and having time to join a gym, starting grad school (again), go to dinner with friends, tend to parental duties and reading books for leisure. It’s been really nice but also difficult. Change is never easy for anyone. I don’t care who you are…and if you are reading this says “oh that’s not true” just shut up, you are full of crap.
I would like to think I do not need to measure my worth by what a earn for a living, how good I look in skinny jeans, or how many dinner parties I get invited to but I know I’m not quite as socially retarded as all of that…. I do care….a little…
Lately I have just had so many of those moments when I want to just express that something is not quite the way I want it but don’t have the right words to fit the occasion. Next problem is, if I did have the words to fit the occasion I probably couldn’t say them because THAT social educate rule has not yet been obliterated by reality TV. If it was having my boob falling out of my shirt or showing off my muffin top that would be acceptable but cursing is still a No No. So what’s a girl to do? I think I’m going to go look up some cute sounding Eskimo phase for “Go Play with your poopy” or “Your butt and your face are in the wrong positions” and use those…sure that will make me feel better.
Since my 18 month engagement (and by engagement I’m talking about work and not my personal life) just ended my schedule has completely changed. I went from work 70+ hours a week, to working 40 and having time to join a gym, starting grad school (again), go to dinner with friends, tend to parental duties and reading books for leisure. It’s been really nice but also difficult. Change is never easy for anyone. I don’t care who you are…and if you are reading this says “oh that’s not true” just shut up, you are full of crap.
I would like to think I do not need to measure my worth by what a earn for a living, how good I look in skinny jeans, or how many dinner parties I get invited to but I know I’m not quite as socially retarded as all of that…. I do care….a little…
Lately I have just had so many of those moments when I want to just express that something is not quite the way I want it but don’t have the right words to fit the occasion. Next problem is, if I did have the words to fit the occasion I probably couldn’t say them because THAT social educate rule has not yet been obliterated by reality TV. If it was having my boob falling out of my shirt or showing off my muffin top that would be acceptable but cursing is still a No No. So what’s a girl to do? I think I’m going to go look up some cute sounding Eskimo phase for “Go Play with your poopy” or “Your butt and your face are in the wrong positions” and use those…sure that will make me feel better.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Naps
Today I want to pay homage to Naps. Why? Because I have the flu...And also because even though I have the flu does not mean I get a day off of work.
I remember the days when I used to look forward to a little stomach bug so I could sleep all day and take a bit of a mental break from all the crazy people too.... I think those days are gone for me.
Today I took 2 naps between all of my calls. Though they were not long and I really could have used a little more before the 8pm - 11pm call, I'm going take the perspective that better a quicky than none at all. That applies on many fronts.
I remember the days when I used to look forward to a little stomach bug so I could sleep all day and take a bit of a mental break from all the crazy people too.... I think those days are gone for me.
Today I took 2 naps between all of my calls. Though they were not long and I really could have used a little more before the 8pm - 11pm call, I'm going take the perspective that better a quicky than none at all. That applies on many fronts.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
The Brass Ring
Do you remember the days of the marry-go-rounds with the brass rings? You know, if you catch it you get a free ride. A summer amusement park I went to growing up had one of those. Seems you seldom saw the brass ring but that never stopped you from trying for it.
Tonight has turned into one of those nights where I just can't shut my head off. After I had my little blood clot incident, my family doctor gave me some meds to help me sleep and that has been pretty much doing the trick. Only problem with that is I really don't like not having my wits about me....as it may go anyways.
So my dilemma today - a little bit of everything. I took the day off of work, mostly because I have to work the rest of the weekend so I really wanted a little down time. Other part of it was to catch up on some personal needs that seem to fall to the bottom of the priority list with being a single working mom, hell bent to support her cancer cause and be a real friend to the people in my life.
As it turned out, Aspen was not feeling well at all today and stayed home so I did absolutely nothing and slept most of the day just snuggling her and tending to her needs. I guess it was exactly what I needed to do. Which brings me to the point of my writing today...what is that keeps us driving forward and will I ever be completely happy?
I see some people who are just content....they get to some place in their life and they say, "yeah I like it here" I get a little jealous of them sometimes. Why am I not wired like that?
Of all of the opportunities I have had in my life to let someone take care of me, or to settle for the safe road, why does that never seem to interest me? As if I always keep the target just so far from my own reach. Here I am on a Friday night, at 1am, Aspen playing the piano (unfortunately I think she is wired the same way as me) and Autumn going through her closet looking for the perfect something that undoubtedly we will only be able to find at the Eden Prairie mall tomorrow :)
I got a message from someone today from my past. It completely came out of the blue and I wasn't quite sure how to react to it. A bittersweet feeling came over me. Without going into too many details, I will say that it ended badly 10 years ago and left several causalities in it's aftermath both for both of us. So the rational me said, well here you go, this is a chance to make amends for the deeds of the past. Time heals all wounds, right? So I played out a number of scenarios in my head. Beyond the obvious I asked myself what did I learn from that experience that I don't want to repeat.
Here is the kicker, I don't think I've learned anything. Taking assessment of where I am today and the actions that lead me to the bad ending of that friendship I think I'm doing it again just a different stage and a few different actors. I have been so wrapped up in the momentary highs of being with someone who adores me, having my daughters turn into young women over night and the adrenaline of non-stop work that I have not been looking ahead at where is all of this going.
So I'm sitting her tonight asking myself that question. What REALLY, is next? I'm hoping there are others out there who suffer from the same affliction of never completeness and can temporarily comfort me by saying, I'm not alone and it will be ok. It's days like today I think I must be so caught up in just playing the game that I don't give thought to why am I even playing?
It's like that merry-go-round ride. Without having the ring to grab each time I went round, I don't think I would have taken the ride... I never thought it was all that much fun really. Somehow though, I sold myself on the idea that it would be so great to win a free ride, and I would be getting something I don't have today. After each ride was over I would just do it again.
Would I have had my fill if the ring I had grabbed was the brass one? Or would I have just convinced myself I needed to do it again? Maybe I'm still reaching for it.
Tonight has turned into one of those nights where I just can't shut my head off. After I had my little blood clot incident, my family doctor gave me some meds to help me sleep and that has been pretty much doing the trick. Only problem with that is I really don't like not having my wits about me....as it may go anyways.
So my dilemma today - a little bit of everything. I took the day off of work, mostly because I have to work the rest of the weekend so I really wanted a little down time. Other part of it was to catch up on some personal needs that seem to fall to the bottom of the priority list with being a single working mom, hell bent to support her cancer cause and be a real friend to the people in my life.
As it turned out, Aspen was not feeling well at all today and stayed home so I did absolutely nothing and slept most of the day just snuggling her and tending to her needs. I guess it was exactly what I needed to do. Which brings me to the point of my writing today...what is that keeps us driving forward and will I ever be completely happy?
I see some people who are just content....they get to some place in their life and they say, "yeah I like it here" I get a little jealous of them sometimes. Why am I not wired like that?
Of all of the opportunities I have had in my life to let someone take care of me, or to settle for the safe road, why does that never seem to interest me? As if I always keep the target just so far from my own reach. Here I am on a Friday night, at 1am, Aspen playing the piano (unfortunately I think she is wired the same way as me) and Autumn going through her closet looking for the perfect something that undoubtedly we will only be able to find at the Eden Prairie mall tomorrow :)
I got a message from someone today from my past. It completely came out of the blue and I wasn't quite sure how to react to it. A bittersweet feeling came over me. Without going into too many details, I will say that it ended badly 10 years ago and left several causalities in it's aftermath both for both of us. So the rational me said, well here you go, this is a chance to make amends for the deeds of the past. Time heals all wounds, right? So I played out a number of scenarios in my head. Beyond the obvious I asked myself what did I learn from that experience that I don't want to repeat.
Here is the kicker, I don't think I've learned anything. Taking assessment of where I am today and the actions that lead me to the bad ending of that friendship I think I'm doing it again just a different stage and a few different actors. I have been so wrapped up in the momentary highs of being with someone who adores me, having my daughters turn into young women over night and the adrenaline of non-stop work that I have not been looking ahead at where is all of this going.
So I'm sitting her tonight asking myself that question. What REALLY, is next? I'm hoping there are others out there who suffer from the same affliction of never completeness and can temporarily comfort me by saying, I'm not alone and it will be ok. It's days like today I think I must be so caught up in just playing the game that I don't give thought to why am I even playing?
It's like that merry-go-round ride. Without having the ring to grab each time I went round, I don't think I would have taken the ride... I never thought it was all that much fun really. Somehow though, I sold myself on the idea that it would be so great to win a free ride, and I would be getting something I don't have today. After each ride was over I would just do it again.
Would I have had my fill if the ring I had grabbed was the brass one? Or would I have just convinced myself I needed to do it again? Maybe I'm still reaching for it.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
celebrations
Yesterday was my birthday. I celebrated 38 years. According the call from my mother, it was sometime around 11pm, which would explain why I'm a night owl right?
There were many invitations to celebrate but the one that was most appealing was the one I sold myself on.
I spent a quiet day sleeping in, eating chocolate/peanutbutter pie and ignoring all of the phone calls. It was a beautiful thing. :) The last year has been quickly flying by, work consuming just about every waking hour, and if not work I feel the time with the tasks of keeping the girls on a tight schedule or keeping up with the house to try to get it sold so I can begin to start a new chapter of my life.
I have finally decided it is time to go back to school and finish what I have been talking about for the past 10 years. No, it's not exactly the PHD in mathmatics I thought for so long would be the feather in my cap. Instead, I will persue the "golden" MBA and move in the direction of healthcare management. So I will prepare myself over the next 2 months to wrap up the largest program my company has every undertaken, get back into the mode of learning with focus, and doing my best to say goodbye to the linger elements of cancer impacts that have been following me for 3 years.
Reflecting on another year past, and looking at the one in front of me, I am very happy with where I am and the opportunities I have before me. Time with my sister, watching my girls transform into beautiful young women, being a part of the journey of a friend from many lifetimes, falling in love again, a renewed sense of perpue through Cancer Legal Line.... so many things.
In front of me, opportunties to take a new path, be a better friend to the amazing people that are a part of my life, lead by example, determine how I want to love and not how society says I should, and be a shoulder to cry on by people who may be going through the things I went through.
If it is another year until I get a day like yesterday, I will do my best to remember it and look forward to the chance to slack off a litlte and reflect on all the celebrations I have been a part of along the way.
There were many invitations to celebrate but the one that was most appealing was the one I sold myself on.
I spent a quiet day sleeping in, eating chocolate/peanutbutter pie and ignoring all of the phone calls. It was a beautiful thing. :) The last year has been quickly flying by, work consuming just about every waking hour, and if not work I feel the time with the tasks of keeping the girls on a tight schedule or keeping up with the house to try to get it sold so I can begin to start a new chapter of my life.
I have finally decided it is time to go back to school and finish what I have been talking about for the past 10 years. No, it's not exactly the PHD in mathmatics I thought for so long would be the feather in my cap. Instead, I will persue the "golden" MBA and move in the direction of healthcare management. So I will prepare myself over the next 2 months to wrap up the largest program my company has every undertaken, get back into the mode of learning with focus, and doing my best to say goodbye to the linger elements of cancer impacts that have been following me for 3 years.
Reflecting on another year past, and looking at the one in front of me, I am very happy with where I am and the opportunities I have before me. Time with my sister, watching my girls transform into beautiful young women, being a part of the journey of a friend from many lifetimes, falling in love again, a renewed sense of perpue through Cancer Legal Line.... so many things.
In front of me, opportunties to take a new path, be a better friend to the amazing people that are a part of my life, lead by example, determine how I want to love and not how society says I should, and be a shoulder to cry on by people who may be going through the things I went through.
If it is another year until I get a day like yesterday, I will do my best to remember it and look forward to the chance to slack off a litlte and reflect on all the celebrations I have been a part of along the way.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Warning Labels
Do we just see in people what we want to see? If people were like products and had warning labels would we be less likely to want to collect them?
Like a pack of cigarettes, "Warning may be hazardous to your health"
Is that enough to get someone to pass up the pretty person with the beautiful blue eyes... knowing you want them to behave a certain way doesn't make it so.
Maybe you just go the straight and narrow road, where you can see everything coming your way. That is unless the warning sign says "Slippery when wet"
Like a pack of cigarettes, "Warning may be hazardous to your health"
Is that enough to get someone to pass up the pretty person with the beautiful blue eyes... knowing you want them to behave a certain way doesn't make it so.
Maybe you just go the straight and narrow road, where you can see everything coming your way. That is unless the warning sign says "Slippery when wet"
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sunny days. Too few of them here in the mid-west. Today it was bright, humid and got down right toasty. I loved every minute of it.
It was so silly to walk into TGIFriday's and hear someone complaining about how hot it was outside.... I just thought to myself, we get 2 months of warm weather and 10 of winter....
I guess without too much analysis, one might think I am the odd person out in this situation.
It was so silly to walk into TGIFriday's and hear someone complaining about how hot it was outside.... I just thought to myself, we get 2 months of warm weather and 10 of winter....
I guess without too much analysis, one might think I am the odd person out in this situation.
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